View Single Post
July 9th, 2008 (2:58 PM).
i want the puppy
Join Date: Oct 2007
Well... Sorry to say but it seems like the quality of this chapter was sort of lacking compared to that of the others... All the same, I'll review as always.
Saul saw this great act of bravery, but knew Darren would not stand a chance. His tracer instincts took over
his dark claws screeched doom
he jumped through the air, attacking the invaders. He managed to scare them, but that was
, it was a highly trained strike force against one simple tracer. How could he hope to do more than slam his head onto the side of the blue couch.
Repeated words. While this problem isn't so serious, it's a good thing to avoid as often as possible, and one of the many reasons to re-read your work with a very close eye. Try to read the sentences with the bolded words out loud, and you'll tell that they just don't sound quite right. Using certain words more than once in the same sentence, or even in consecutive sentences, can disrupt the flow and sentence fluency of your story depending on the circumstances. Just re-read. If something seems too repetitive, edit it out. Replace the words or re-do the sentence.
"Darren," Saul called, "we need to go!"
"I know, but what do we do about my mother?" Darren replied with a worried tone.
"I'll be fine dear, I have all of our pokemon to protect me." Flora said.
"Mom, whoever is trying to kill me isn't going to stop, so please listen to me and come with us." Darren worriedly argued.
"Darren, I can look out for myself. How do you think I survived all these years?" His mothered replied.
Okay; escuse me if I missed this, but when did Darren actually explain to his mother what was going on? If you told your mom someone was not going to stop trying to kill you, would she reply so simply? I mean, yes, they were just attacked by a group of Psychic Pokemon, but still as far as Flora would be concerned that has nothing to do with her son being killed. And why doesn't Darren ask her what she means by "surviving all these years"? Whoever is after him is after
, right? So if he left why would someone harm her? Obviously this would imply something she knows that he does not. Again, excuse me if I'm missing something here. It just seemed very confusing.
Yes, I know it is short. I ran out of ideas for this chapter, so I ended it shorter instead of forcing ideas. (advertisement)
It does not matter that it's short. That is perfectly fine and reasonable. What matters is that it seems rushed and hurried, and felt prone to opening plot holes and logic errors because of this.
I've been in this situation before, when I had no ideas to write but kept on writing anyways. This was my flaw, and it led to the abandonment of my fic. My advice? When you can't come up with ideas,
don't rush your chapters.
Or better yet, take a break. Stop writing the fic for a little while. Trust me, I know from experience, there is absolutely no use in writing when you don't feel up to it. No matter how exciting you plan to make the next chapters or events, there is a great chance your fic will lose readers and quality if you rush things. So, don't worry and don't force anything. No one will kill you for taking a while on your next chapter. In fact, the way I see it, the longer the wait, the better the chapter will turn out. Take your time. No need to hurry or rush.
Oh yeah, and the advertisement... I'm pretty sure that's not allowed. And if it is, then it's still annoying. This is the fanfiction section. Your RPG has nothing to do with it. If someone wants to RP, they'll go to the RP section. If you want to advertise, leave it in your sig, not your fics.
Also, I'm still reading and excited about what happens to Darren. Don't think I've lost any interest here. I'm still reading and ready for more! =)
Also Known As:
just call me piez
View Public Profile
Send a private message to iLike2EatPiez
Find all posts by iLike2EatPiez
Find threads started by iLike2EatPiez