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Old July 10th, 2008, 02:44 PM
Buoysel's Avatar
Buoysel
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Kansas City
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Nature: Quirky
*sigh*

Way to short and you've gone back to long blocked paragraphs. You are supposed to start a new one each time someone different talks, or something new happens/is going on.

I fell as if you have taken a step or five backwards.

Chapters 1,2, and 3 should be combined, but stop when Lucy blacks out. Leave a cliff hanger for the reader. Doing so will cause questions in the readers mind and then they will want to know more, causing them to come back. Chapters 4 and 5 should also be combined. Chapters are like paragraphs, when the main idea is over, so is the paragraph. Don't start a new idea and not complete it, as in chapter 3.

Don't have time to do a full review so here is a partial one;

Quote:
"Please don't! I'll help Ninetails get through it and overcome the problem!" I pleaded.

I noticed the Grunt walk out.
Which way did he go? Was it through a door? Details.

Quote:
Ninetails looked at me sadly. "Don't try. Just get rid of me. I shouldn't live anyway. I've killed someone before, you know. It was accident. There was a forest fire. To save everybody, I absorbed most of it. It made me go mad. I used Flame Thrower on an innocent ratta. At that moment, it felt good. at this moment and any other, I feel like the world has crashed down on me. It's all the guilt." Ninetails hung her head and her tail drooped.
This paragraph shows why Ninetails is so upset. This one is the best paragraph I have seen form you.

Quote:
"Vulpix will be alright. There was one other Ninetails that didn't get captured. I'm sure he will find Vulpix sometime." Ninetails said.
This mistake is in your story plot:

Earlier you said; "
Quote:
"When I arrived here with the rest of my clan, most of us were captured for the use of Team Magma. They caught all of us except a little Vulpix. She went..."
At first you said that all but the Vulpix was caught, but now you are saying that there are others not caught. How does Ninetails know this anyway, she has been caught herself, not to mention that she has been in her pokeball all this time.

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My suggestion is:

Go ahead and write the rest of your story on paper, doesn't have to be perfect. Then as you write the chapters, you will not have plot confusions again.
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