The Legend of Manaphy
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July 11th, 2008 (1:21 PM). Edited July 11th, 2008 by Clark.
i want the puppy
Okay... I'm only going to review the first chapter because, quite honestly, I really feel that I can't review the rest. First of all, before I go too in-depth, there are a couple things you should have pointed out to you:
For one, text-formatting (ie. your purple text) for your whole fic is against the rules, as well. In some skins it's likely near-impossible to read without highlighting it if you don't leave it at the regular font color. Also, you need to better your grammar. It's... not good. Part of the reason I can't review past the first chapter is because I can barely understand half the sentences. And not to mention, your chapters are way too short. They need more of everything; plot, description, etc... Now, here comes the quote-review...
One day, A young trainer that lived in DARK CAPE town. Had a dream, The dream to seek some Legendaries. But could
be this day? Could
happen throughout his journey? Lets find out.
Ugh... This "paragraph" is all over the place. First of all, you should not capitalize "Dark Cape". Starting a fic with "one day" is sort of cliche... The sentences are hard to understand because of the way they are written. "Had a dream, the dream to see some legendaries" is an incomplete sentence. Why is "it" capitalized? And what is "it"? The way your sentences are set up, technically we should have no idea what you are talking about. I had to read back and guess what "it" was. This paragraph would look something like this with proper grammar:
One day, a young trainer lived in Dark Cape town. He had a dream to seek some Legendaries. But could today be the day he would achieve this dream? Could he find legendaries throughout his journey? Lets find out.
On to more quotes....
"I feel abit dizzy, Hmm, Could it be because of... No way.. If It was I would be... GONE!" the trainer said to himself.
This whole part confused me. What in the world is he talking about? And you should not capitalize "gone"; there are things called bolds and italics if you want to add emphasis on a word.
The trainer dressed into his normal clothes, And went downstairs, He looked around in suprise that everything was broken.
You should not capitalize after every comma. And this
us the destroyed room. Describe the tattered furniture, the glass on the floor, the ripped carpet... We have no idea whatsoever what the setting is if you just say "everything was broken". Also, your characters. Describe them. They aren't just invisible stick-figures are they? Give them traits, apperances, personalities, emotions... Otherwise the reader cannot relate to them and the characters become boring.
"Well, There is a bone left and a skull mask, But I already sold it for $10,000" said Mum excitedly
Logic holes galore. Why on earth would a Marowak leave its mask and its bone?! They have never been known to take off their masks, and their bone is a prized weapon. And even if it did leave them, I think if someone's house was just trashed the first thing on their mind wouldn't be selling something.
Write out your numbers!
Say "ten-thousand dollars", not "$10,000".
1 day later..
ONE day later. And transitions like this are rather... boring, really. The reader would be much more interested if you simple had him wake up later with no transition in-between other than perhaps a dask or mark. That way, it's a mystery as to how long AJ's been out. Keeping your reader in the dark gets them more hooked.
All in all, this is... not good. It lacks any description whatsoever, for one, and has several logic and plot holes. You need to put more effort into it. And no, I'm not saying this to be mean or to put you down. I'm giving you a full constructive-critisism review. All writers get them, and good writers apply them to their work. I hope you take this seriously rather than offensively...
Joined Oct 2007
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