Thread: Wishes
View Single Post
  #12    
Old July 15th, 2008 (01:38 PM). Edited August 31st, 2008 by Buoysel.
Buoysel's Avatar
Buoysel
Let's be honest, something has gone a bit wrong!
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Kansas City
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Nature: Quirky
Quote originally posted by Amoeba:
I should have added - the only reason why I don't capitalize pokemon names is because I wouldn't capitalize animal names. I wouldn't write "The Snake slithered through the grass", the s in snake would be lower case.
You are referring to when it is an improper noun. You should capitalize it if it is the name of said object, Jack or Pikachu or Buizel, because they are the names of animal or people, if it were in general, then yes it would be lower cased.


Only have time to do the first chapter, and I will only be doing grammar and spelling. corrections will be in bold .

---------------

A shape emerged upon the page as she controlled the pale brown pencil with limited skill

"Yes mom?" Mari didn't bother turning to face her mother, who stood poking her head around the bedroom door.

Mari's nose curled at the thought. "Another time," she assured, continuing to scratch away at the page. So comfy and clean - why would she want to go fishing?

bubble to experience firsthand the wilderness she so admired.

mobile phone

Quote originally posted by kc:
Personally, I would use cell phone. but that is up to you, depending on where you live.
Not long after she had refused to fish, she gathered up her game boy color , link cable and a couple of cartages and plopped them into her dainty little light blue backpack. It contrasted blaringly with her light pink pinifor, but she seemed hardly conscious at all of it. She changed from her scruffy nylon joggers into loose, clean dark gray leggings before slipping out the door unnoticed.

first floor apartment a second time.

each containing her favorite pokemon at great levels of strength. Smiling at the fantasy she would slip into a dream world where the bus she was in and the people she shared it with would cease to exist

Shifting her position for comfort, she slipped back into her pokemon realm uneasily. She was battling. An anonymous trainer's male Nidoran comically bounced away after receiving a hefty mega punch from her Ursaring. The lawn was beautiful, a rich green in the intense sunlight. Prime battling weather, in her head she could feel a cool breeze tickle her bare arms.

Quote originally posted by kc:
If this is a scene change then use something along the lines of; ****, or, ----------.

However if it simply a transition scene, then use something like; The bus slowed as it reached the Forbane Town Square bus stop. Scrapping her fantasy in an instant she began to rise from her seat and attend to reality - this was her stop. Her…
She didn't need any further indication that something was seriously wrong. Panic set in. The skin around her lips tingled with fear.

Quote originally posted by kc:
again with the scene change
The next thing Mari knew, she was looking at a roof of green leaves illuminated by the sun above her. Birds twittered from…

Quote originally posted by kc:
Run-on: Slowly Mari rolled on to her side, careful of the rocks she was lying on, and propped herself up in to a sitting position on the carpet of moss and grass on the rocks beneath her.
Cautious of the rocks she lay on, Mari rolled to her side. She propped herself up into a sitting position on the carpet of moss and grass.

Close to sobbing, she ploughed on through the vegetation until she reached a clearing.

as she [b realized] [/b] the area had been cleared by a

Behind the gates of the building , was the beginnings of an open yard,
to civilization muddied

"Trespassers will be prosecuted."

but as she pondered, she began to realize she had no choice

a barrier. Mari

Quote originally posted by kc:
When you use “”, use a comma after a sentence, unless, your sentence is a question or exclamation.
"Watch it, little lady," a scrat…

metal armor ,

by a cotton baggy suit. His

simple length of gray

Quote originally posted by kc:
this sencece should be incorapted in to the nex paragraph.
To Mari, he appeared indestructible . Mari didn't even have time…
enough incentive to avoid

which colony are you from?" He reverted to a serious expression as he said this, as if he were talking to a colleague . His arms
The armored man's eyes squinted at her, expectant of an answer. Something in his mind clicked, and his expression reverted to a sinister grin.

staring straight down

of a second he interoperated her movements and acted upon it effectively.

off his armor , generally

------------------

This is an interesting story, to say the least. I am defiantly interested to see where this goes.

Two words before you post the next chapter; Spell check.
__________________

Twitter

My Website

Pear

Blog

Megan

Inspired by Windows
Reply With Quote