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August 2nd, 2008 (8:37 PM).
Pretty pretty lights
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Roland Dille Center for the Arts
All right, this was something of a mixed bag for me.
First off, congratulations. You actually wrote a "darker" themed poem that didn't make me want to vomit. Perhaps I have an unfair bias against that kind of poetry, but it's there all the same.
All right, let's go over what worked first: You kept the language simple, for the most part. Good stuff, complex language or archaic language has a tendency to disrupt the flow of a piece of work. You also kept to a consistent rhyme scheme that had a decent flow.
What didn't work, and what dragged it down for me is as follows: A couple of lines are a little awkward in their phrasing. A good rule of thumb is that it's better to sacrifice the perfect rhyme for a smooth line than the other way around. I feel that line five is the best example of putting rhyme before flow.
The other noticeable thing is that your meter occasionally varies. In my mind, it should be one way or the other, no meter or complete meter. It's a little jarring for the first three lines to have the same meter, then the fourth to have a different one.
My final piece of advice is the English teacher's maxim: Show me, don't tell me. Alluding to things is much stronger than stating them. The last two lines of the second stanza and the first two of the third stanza do a wonderful job of this.
Overall, this is a good piece. It just needs some editing for technique.
If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?
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