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August 8th, 2008 (6:07 AM).
Living for now
Join Date: Jun 2008
Originally Posted by
The wind sighed over a forest clearing of pine trees in autumn, in Sinnoh. It was a peaceful scene to the
observer who might be viewing the forest as a whole. However, that was not so.
The boy leaned over the dead Glameow. A stench rose from it, the smell of burned fur rose from it. Tears fell fast from his eye
s - h
e could not take his eyes away from it. His skin was pale under a
of black hair and freckles. All the blood was drained from his face. It had been fried alive by a terrible heat.
The worst was yet to come.
Twenty more Pokemon dead, executed in the same manner, scattered all over the clearing, most were turned to ashes.
The boy, named Max
inally lost control of himself. He screamed and screamed until he was hoarse. But
was no one to hear. He ran away from the spot as fast as his legs would carry him.
As he ran, he thought, who could be so cruel.
Soon he would find ou
t - o
r so he hoped.
He was mistaken.
e - I
ntrusion of Team Galactic.
I made some of your mistakes bold.
I made bold a whole sentence. Most authors make human thoughts italicized, and some do Pokemon thoughts in < > and possibly italicized - I know bobandbill does.
When I bolded your "-" 's I was trying to say that you need spaces around them. Also after commas.
Too Short :/
It is sad how so many beginner's have their chapters and prologues too short. If you can scroll down from the story once and see the signature, then I would say it is too short. (Example: Look at the length of my post - including your writing in quotes. I scrolled and I saw the signature.)
But for the actual content in question, it wasn't bad. I don't like writings about horror and death, but this part wasn't so bad.
Length and grammar are your issues. I would say to lengthen your story, describe Max more, describe where he was, describe more his feelings/senses, and possibly where he was running to.
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