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Old August 21st, 2008, 04:46 PM
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Blue Angel
Living for now
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
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Nature: Calm
Just some small errors that I saw.
Like you don't have enough commas to help with the flow of the sentences, and there is no spacing in between paragraphs. I saw so many comma issues - but I always do. If you want me to point some or as many as I can, out, then feel free to ask me.

Most reviewers will refuse to attempt reading a story that does not have proper spacing.

Make sure you press "Enter" twice in between paragraphs and changes of person in dialog.

I may seem cruel at times, but I am here to help

It is a good and interesting idea, you just need to work on the presentation of it more.
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