Just some small errors that I saw.
Like you don't have enough commas to help with the flow of the sentences, and there is no spacing in between paragraphs. I saw so many comma issues - but I always do. If you want me to point some or as many as I can, out, then feel free to ask me.
Most reviewers will refuse to attempt reading a story that does not have proper spacing.
Make sure you press "Enter" twice in between paragraphs and changes of person in dialog.
I may seem cruel at times, but I am here to help
It is a good and interesting idea, you just need to work on the presentation of it more.