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September 4th, 2008 (08:11 PM).
building steam with a grain of salt
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Bellingham, WA
I loved the way you described that sink in the second paragraph. At first I was thinking, "What the heck could this futuristic-thing be?" and then a few seconds later, "Oh, just a sink."
And the suggestiveness...I found it funny. I always do. No matter how stupid suggestiveness gets (not thinking about your fic) I always find it funny. I'm not sure why...kind of creepy now that I think about it.
On a more serious note, I found it slightly surprising that the main character is female. I mean...a weapon of mass-destruction being female? However, we've both witnessed the power of a certain female dragon Pokemon. With that in mind, I shouldn't have been surprised.
The intense part was pretty intense...it's too bad that the doctor couldn't have given her a local anesthetic. I can't imagine what that'd feel like. I've had a few things cut out of my skin and each time I was given a local anesthetic. Even then, it was unpleasant. I feel for her.
In terms of grammar, I saw an instance near the end of the chapter where you omitted a word. I had it highlighted but I can't seem to find it now...sorry.
Also, going out on a tangent (this is somewhat on-topic because the first chapter is called "Genesis") I heard a familiar tune blaring from the living room TV. It was Genesis!...On a commercial for jeans. It was cool though. Surprisingly, a good chunk of the song was played (including the entire intro). I may have to look the commercial up on youtube just for the heck of it.
So yes...that's all I have to say. As always, good work.
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