An Everlasting Love(One-Shot)
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September 16th, 2008 (6:30 PM).
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Seeing as you asked me to..
Well, overall a better job then before, I have to say. You've definitely made a marked improvement on description, although now there's even further improvements that can be made on that. But still better then before. You also did a fine job with characters and emotion portrayed between them - quite well done. The story itself was ok - told decently and with a good ending too, IMO. Unfortunately the link you provided for the tune doesn't quite work for me... just loads and can't play. Oh well, no matter.
Now for critique...
A calm summer night
he sky was starlit & the insipid moon gave
a light shining on the Hearthome City mansion above the peacefully silent hills.
Think maybe it would be better to start a new sentence there? But up to you. Also off, not of.
The mansion was surprisingly active tonight. Lights & sounds bustling about. It sounds like a party was taking place
-just is, it was
the annual Pokemon high school alumni homecoming.
The tone of the second sentence is more as if you were telling us this story on the street, not as if this was being written. It kinda 'breaks the fourth wall' - reminds us that this is a story, and can take us out of it. Try to avoid doing so.
The bolded part doesn't make too much sense to me, either, could be reworded.
On top of that, assuming the name of the school is Alumni, capitalise it, (along with 'High School').
Every year it takes place on different locations. This particular year it was decided that the event should be held at Eve’s mansion. Eve had already passed an important exam when her mother died. Her
inheritance including the mansion would fall
her hands. She tried her best to keep the mansion in tip-tip condition. And with her hard work, it was a success. It was really ready for the alumni homecoming. The mansion was very ornate. Effervescent flowers blooming about, large & carefully grown Oak trees surrounded the compound, evergreen bushes & shrubs decorated the pavement leading to the large, carved doorway, huge Corinthian pillars surrounded the mansion all throughout, the garden terrace hung in between the large Oak tree on the second floor, & the most attractive embellishment of all, the statue situated at the front of the mansion depicting a Gardevoir & Ralts-
(Eve & her mother)
brilliantly & skillfully carved with the most minute of details.
Mother's, not mothers. Into would probably be better then 'on' as well...
Ok, you have the description here, which is good. You gave us a good idea on what it looked like and all. Now to make it better. One thing that affects this paragraph is the sentence length. The first eight sentences are all of a similar length - mix it up some more, so it doesn't sound repetitive and like a list. Some short, and some long.
And the last sentence... simply too long. Don't try and continue one sentence for too long, as otherwise it will just go on and on. It may take away from what it is you are trying to say and is a thing best avoided.
Lastly, don't introduce facts like who is who in brackets. Instead, use description to do that of the character themselves.
inside of the mansion was as attractive as the outside.
ceiling, highlighted with the most colorful, stunning murals depicting the Sinnoh legacy, a chandelier was dangling from the ceiling above, it had a bright, diamond like shine giving the room a tranquil, pale ambiance.
second floor was connected to the first by a winding, spiral woodenly carved flight of stairs.
flooring was blanketed with a velvet carpet that reached throughout the mansion.
hallways in the second floor had dozens of rooms, the walls had a yellowish-white color all throughout, on them were picture frames showing the most precious memories from long ago captured into the finest piece.
dinning room had an elongated table with candles & plates adjacent each side. Competently carved wooden chairs surrounded the table, their were enough to support dozens of guest-particularly the guests of the alumni homecoming. Flora were purposely placed so that it would give the room a soothing fragrance.
Also pay attention to the words you use, particular the starting word. All of those started with 'The' - change it up more, so again it doesn't feel as repetitive.
2nd and 5th sentences there are also a tad too long - or leastways, the ideas within are clunky. Try to link the things you mention there more, instead of listing the features of them. Use other things then commas, like these semi-colons and hyphens. Use some more variety in it.
“Welcome! Please, make yourselves comfortable,” Eve said in her elegant gown
her head to the guests.
I'd have it like this: '...elegant gown, bowing her head to the guests.' - or something like that - as it is it is a bit clunky.
"Nice to see you all again, Doni, Blossom, Kizzy & Evanesce! How have you been doing?”
he asked with a smile.
“Oh Eve, we’ve missed you so much!”
xclaimed Blossom, a fox-like Pokemon covered with a thick, luxurious white fur- a Ninetales.
Here, if the part following the dialogue flows on from the dialogue and you can treat the two as one sentence, do just that and go without the capitals. I advise taking a brief look at DarkPersian's grammar guide on the such if you're unsure - helps a lot, that. Speaking from experience.
And another thing here that you redid a lot...
a humanoid Pokémon that resembles a bulky woman, wearing a red gown, has white arms and purple hands & has a purple face, pink lips, saucer-like eyes and long blond hair- a Jynx.
Ok, you have the description, BUT, for each Pokemon, no matter how minor their role, you always applied the same formula to them - introduce them with some dialogue, describe them with a list of features about them, then at the end say what they were.
'"Blah Blah," said a ladeda - Pokemon A. "Blah de blu," said a ladeda - Pokemon B.' - that's what it ends up looking like in essence.
Firstly, change it up more - don't reuse the same sentence structure for each occurrence. Secondly, there is no need to go into massive detail, especially if that character is only mentioned right then and there. Description of characters and so forth are more important for the not-one-timers.
Thirdly - the description itself. Constantly you simply gave a list of what the Pokemon looked like - features and so forth. It's certainly better then nothing, but there's more to add in. Add in, for instance, how they said their dialogue. And how their act. An important technique of description is to incorporate actions into it. This shows us
what the character is like
, as well as what he/she looks like.
For instance - take Blossom. Later on, when they left, you had her cry as she was leaving, being disappointed that it was over. That indicated something about her personality, but all the other times you didn't do that so much. Instead, include part of their personality in their description. If they are, say, a shy Pokemon, have them do some shyly when you introduce them. An arrogant Pokemon - what they say may reflect that, and a swagger or an air of confidence as they display their power or the such. Doing so firstly makes the description more enjoyable to read. It gives us more information to savour, and also helps us remember and like the characters that much more as well.
The others enjoyed the food (appetizers) in the dinning room;
Again - don't include information like that in brackets - breaks the fourth wall and reminds us of your presence as the narrator.
"It’s alright Blossom. I can
you & I already got over it. Actually, no, not a single one,” replied Eve confidently.
hear. Also, 'not a single one'... not quite clear what she is talking about there as well.
But here for instance is a chance to include more description. She said it confidently - but how confidently? Maybe just a hint of regret, or self-doubt as she said it, shown by a slight blush or something? Or maybe she said it with a steady voice? Maybe her eyes would give a small detail? Basically - show us as well as tell, or even show more then tell - let us the reader read it and make up our own minds with little hints.
Eve Blazer, come on here’s your chance!”
There's, or There is.
Try to avoid introducing time changes like that. Show us this instead, like for instance a grandfather clock chiming ten times. This keeps us within the story, and doesn't break up the pace.
Eve went up the spiral stairs, exhausted from cleaning.
decided to head to the garden terrace before she slept to get some fresh air.
opened the glass doors leading into the veranda.
night atmosphere was different from what
was hours ago.
moon had already risen into the dark sky; the stars seem to glisten in the lucid, shadowy heavens.
cold night wind blew in a ruthless way.
dangling Oak branches embracing the veranda seem
to follow. Eve sat on the porch & took a deep breath.
She twice in a row, The four times in a row - change it up more, again. Add in the 'it' there, also seemed, as the rest is also in past tense - keep it consistent. Sentence length is also distract a tad away from the otherwise-good description here - watch for small things like those.
heart was beating fast,
Blazer could feel the resentment in her tone, then he replied: “They diagnosed me with a
he doctor said I would die anytime this month.”
Chronic doesn't need to be capitalised, and maybe start a new sentence after illness. For dialogue, read it to yourself and see if it would be spoken like that. As for the revelation here...
... too much from left field that. All of a sudden, he has a chronic illness - but this is the first time we heard of this. It would, however, seem less sudden if you hinted at this beforehand. When you introduced Blazer, for instance, you could have shown us that maybe he wasn't in the best state of help - heavier breathing, or a reluctance to be so active at the party? Maybe a slight grimace of pain as he danced? Again, up to you on how you portray it, but by doing so it draws our interest, while leaving us wondering why he acts like this. Plus it then makes this part more understandable.
“Let’s drop that matter
o, how have you been doing?”
Make a new sentence there.
“I’m so sorry I left you Eve, because of my hindering disease, I never came to your birthday. I was unconscious in the sanatorium for a few days. Dad flew me to the Hoenn region because he knew some Pokemon doctors there that would administer a cure for my disease. After I awoke, I struggled to find you, I tried to call you, everything. But, to no avail. I persuaded my father to bring me back to Sinnoh but he refuted & told me to stay here
my disease would kick in again. I missed you so much Eve. Every year, month, week, day, hour, minute & second that I’m not with you makes me detest myself for not going with you that night. But, when I heard that you would be holding the annual alumni homecoming, I grabbed this opportunity & snuck away from dad just to see you again. I missed you so much Eve, please, please Eve, accept my apology!!” Blazer sorrowfully said
ready to draw out a tear.
, too much being said there without much else happening. Show some character reactions to this in-between - how is Eve acting during this revelation? Also - in case as two words, and comma after said at the end for a slight pause.
asked Eve, tucked contentedly at
chest of Blazer,
Add that 'the' in.
Again - don't do such things - it would be better if a clocked chimed 12 times right then and there, rather than you saying 'oh, it's midnight now', before returning to the story. Just interrupts the moment and the pacing.
Overall, certainly not bad, and better than what you showed in the other fic. Nice emotions and ending there as I said before, and the story idea wasn't so bad either. Delivered well, and with decent pacing - just try to keep everything within the story - don't add additional information in the brackets.
Work on that description as well - although much, much better then before - some of it was quite good, and you had a nice change of atmosphere for the second half, try to not make the description so listy and consider other things to describe, and try incorporating movement and actions with the description. There are some guides here which might help explain that in more detail. But I liked it, and it was good to see you make a marked improvement in your writing.
And lastly - very nice picture there as well.
Nice job with that.
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