Thread: [Pokémon] Anima Ex Machina [R]
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Old October 1st, 2008, 11:18 AM
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Alter Ego
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Age: 26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by An-chan View Post
It's just too bad I'm not native with this language, because it really affects how much I like writings. It's not as easy or fast to read for me than Finnish would be and that's why I tend to miss important things (like: "whoops! It was that Absol who just got devoured! How come I didn't notice before?". Also, many stylish phrases, idioms and words ase wasted on me ;_; What a cruel world this is!
As a Finnish person who is also not a native English speaker, I must object to this. Just because you aren't born into a language it doesn't mean you can't get as proficient in it as someone who is; it's all a matter of how much effort you put into learning the language and how much interest you really have in it.


Okay, yeah, I should get on topic, shouldn't I? :\ Right, reviewing time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jax Malcolm View Post
Twilight broke into night over Hoenn like waves: blue swallowed by red, red swallowed by black. One by one, taillow retreated to the trees for sleep, giving way to zubat fluttering across the black sky in search of prey. Cities gained white haloes of electric light as the human race fought the darkness of night. Far above, ignorant of mankind's attempt to preserve the daylight, the celestial forest of stars and planets and other points of white flickered to life.
Two 'and's after each other is a rather unusual choice, given that the standard is to replace all but the last 'and' with a comma. Was this an intentional choice or did it just happen? Also, on that note: the 'and other points of white' just struck me as a bit redundant and needlessly specific. I mean what would those be? Satellites and space shuttle lights? I dunno', personally I would prefer it with out that last one, but that's a matter of taste. Just thought I'd mention it.

Oh, and that twilight simile? 'Twilight broke into night' would kind of call for a comparison of 'like X into Y', but there is only 'like waves' there, and waves don't really break into night. Maybe just say that it broke into night 'in waves'? Again, this could just be my own schewed understanding of the language, but to me that would sound like a more appropriate expression. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jax Malcolm View Post
Standing atop a hill, within a circle of rocks countless years old (yet still very young compared to the meteor), was an absol whose red eyes were fixed on the falling star. He shifted on his paws as the cold but familiar feeling of dread sank into his bones. The minutes ticked closer to the blackest part of the night, but he could do nothing during that time but watch. There was no one to warn, not because the place was deserted but instead because of something else he could sense – a feeling of inevitability.
Kind of petty, I know, but I can't help feeling that this would look nicer without that parenthesis. Unless you plan on making it a regular part of the narrator's style, maybe that could be reworded?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jax Malcolm View Post
Several yards away, a hole stood in his path, mostly concealed by the cloud of red dust. Gingerly, he limped on his twisted paw for what felt like an immense distance towards the lip of the crater. His throat whined, not because of the pain shooting up his leg (although that in itself was nearly unavoidable) but also because of the familiar, cold feeling that seeped into his bones. When he finally ambled to the rocky edge of the crater, he cautiously looked downward, towards the rock at the exact center of the pit as the dust began to clear enough for its silhouette to appear. In the darkness, it lacked any sort of detail except for a crack lacing up the side of its worn exterior. Beyond the crack, a red glow emanated from the meteor's hollow interior, a glow that spilled onto the earth around its source.
Same thing as before about the parenthesis.


Pretty much everything I've said above is open to debate and correction. As I keep telling you, Jax, you need to be a good sport and leave some errors for us reviewing people to fix. This level of writing is just not cricket. >|

Anywho, as much as I am not a fan of the whole 'aliens descend from space and start killing people' thing, I must say that I enjoyed reading this. You did a good job with both the impending doom feel before the meteor strike and the terror of the attacking parasite things when they killed the Absol. So yes, despite my biases, I'm looking forward to where this story is going to go. ^^

Oh, and just out of curiosity: is Midsummer Knights still in progress or is it discontinued? Meant to go and comment on that, but the changing of months had me outspeeded.
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