Thread: Elusive Goals
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Old October 18th, 2008 (04:29 PM).
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An-chan
Whoops.
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Finland
Age: 23
I'm going to "return a favor" to you, as you are my favourite newcomer I'm only saying that because I can. You're really the only one to have come after me and to use punctuation correctly. Anyhow, the plea you made earlier in the lounge section caught my interest (enough to write that super-long answear, anyway) and I noticed in the 'Fanfiction Announcement Thread' that you had started your fic. So, here I am, to constructively criticize you! That is to say, I'm not going to say anything about grammar or spelling, as that's not really my thing. Instead, I'll pop up with every strange word and illogical flow of actions you may have written in there.

Quote originally posted by solovino:
It was a beautiful morning in Viridian City. The rising sun bathed the city and the homonym, gigantic forest to the north with its warmth, giving its power to countless creatures to face the new day.
Nothing wrong here. It's just... homonym? It's a fine word, but not one that you should use in a piece of fiction. I think. People may disagree.

Quote originally posted by solovino:
In the middle of the hotel room, warmed up by the sunlight beaming through the white curtains, a male body was snoring loudly.
A male body, huh? I don't really know what's wrong with that, but it caught my eye as odd. Can you think of any... more natural synonym? Like... a male figure or something? I don't know, body just sounds like he was dead :\

Quote originally posted by solovino:
Van--- the mattress revolted and fell to one side as the young man, about 1.85 meters tall, brown-tanned skin and a tatoo in his right shoulder, came fully to his senses, complete with the opening of light maroon eyes, which instantly turned over to face the pillow. He searched under it to retrieved a white, standard-size envelope marked with a single, beautifully designed letter engraved «R» into the seal.
This whole paragraph has only two sentences. I think you could split it up to be three or four, don't you think? At least that first sentence is a bit of a run-on, by the end of it I had fully forgotten the beginning.

Quote originally posted by solovino:
He felt embarrassed and a little disappointed; not that he wanted a damsel to be in peril, but that was not exactly the point.
Nothing wrong here. This was just hilarious!

Personally, I found the change of tense a bit weird. I would assume we find a reason for that later, if it was like a flashback or a change of narrator or something, but it still struck me as odd.

Also, the chapter could have the more traditional name of 'Prologue'. I find 'Introductory Chapter' a bit long and unnecessary. Thumbs up for the table of contents, though, I realized I should do one only after my first fic had 13 chapters and the second one had two. Smart to do it beforehand. Very smart indeed.

It's funny how I make this out like this chapter had something to complain about when it really didn't. I'd like to point out anything that can be made better so you can better, because that's really what I want people to do for me. Anyway, here comes the overall review.

I liked it.

You make Team Rocket seem like something I want to be a part of And Darius seems like a decent man, although we didn't get to know an awful lot about his personality yet. Also, Rapidash, yay! You seem to have a sense of humour that goes well with mine, you have a nice touch to your writing and you certainly know what you're doing (so I'll keep reading this anyway). Your only problem seems to be that your language is a bit block-ish, you know? You use a lot of 'big' words. They aren't bad, but they always make your text seem more formal.
I do that, too, and I often have to tone myself down a bit not to sound like some old, dusty nerd (which I am, despite my young age ). Expecially now that I have a ten-year-old boy as a narrator. Your hands are free with the style, but long and rare words may cause misunderstandings. (I didn't know what 'veer' meant, but then again, I'm no native English speaker.) It's up to you to choose if you want to sound more informal or stick with your current style, which is perfectly fine, I think. I like this style. I'll just need a dictionary in the future

Overall, I love it, and keep going.
An-chan over and out!
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