View Single Post
  #8    
Old October 19th, 2008 (02:22 PM).
Merata's Avatar
Merata
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: In a shoebox :P
Age: 26
Gender:
Nature: Quiet
Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to Merata
Ok, I'm gonna try, and review this. If I sound too harsh don't take it personally please, I'm not here to discourage you from writing, I'm here to try, and help become a better writer

Before I start out anything there are two things I'd like to say

First off:
[quote] the chossen from fate [/quote]
it should be, (The) Chosen by fate

A wrong spelled title scares people away pretty easily, the 'by' is a suggestion, though you would probably want to remove 'The' from the sentence then for a better flow.

Quote:
Chapter 1: Glaceon's encounter


As chapter title, it's supposed to an eye-catcher. With that in mind a chapter title can be bigger, and/or bolded, underlined.

This, again, is just a suggestion.

Now onto the real deal

---------

Quote:
It was snowing in the winter.
How does the snow smell, feel? what does it look like?
A bit more discription would be better in this situation. As a writer it's part of your job to make the readers feel, see, and enjoy the enviroment of the story.

Quote:
A Glaceon with no home was wandering in the white snow.
I would suggest this: An homeless Glaceon was wandering through the snow.

'no home' should be replace by homeless, it means the same but has a better flow in this case.
Also in this case you could leave 'white' away, if you describe the snow in the first sentence, but that's just me.

One thing comes to mind here, where is she wandering through? A forest, snowy plains, mountains? describe the setting a bit

Quote:
She was a blue color of an ice type, if she had ever gotten scared or angry her fur would stand up on end like needles.
This is a really weird sentence, here again a suggestion:

She had an icy blue fur, which fitted the ice pokemon prefectly. Her fur would stand up, resembling spikes, every time she was angered or scared.

This in my opinion has a better flow and is better readable, though what you meant was good you need to work on your sentence building and choose of words, and it will get alot better.

Quote:
"Who am I? sniff..I-I have no home. What could my destiny be?" She questioned herself.
If this is meant as speech you should make a seperate paragrahp from this like:

Quote:
She was a blue color of an ice type, if she had ever gotten scared or angry her fur would stand up on end like needles.

"Who am I? sniff..I-I have no home. What could my destiny be?" She questioned herself


Then she herd a noise coming from beyond the tree grove. Wondering what it was she dashed though the trees.
.


However, if this was meant as though remove the "'s, and write the sentence in italics like this:
Who am I? sniff..I-I have no home. What could my destiny be? She questioned herself

*Also one note, when you use a ! , or ? in the quotation marks you don't need to capitalize the first word after the talking.*
Quote:
Then she herd a noise coming from beyond the tree grove.


herd should be, heard

Also for me as reader I was kind of lost here, how or when did Glaceon reach the tree grove? What did the tree grove look like?

As said before describe the setting a bit more.

Quote:
Wondering what it was she dashed though the trees.
Why would someone dash through the trees when she/he hears something, wouldn't it be more logical to sneak to where the sound came from.

Quote:
The cold white snow brushed against her fur, at the end of the tree grove Glaceon skidded to a stop and stared in awe.
Which snow brushed her fur, that from the sky or the trees? Also does she hide behind a tree or not?
This sounds to me as if she just stands there, open to be easily seen, which seems illogical to me.

Quote:
There was a pokemon with two purple wings and a yellow half a moon on her head, her body was blue and yellow, and her eyes shined with pink intensity. The other pokemon was white on most of her, her arms were attached to her head with blue on the tips of her fingers, she levitated and her head was also purple. "Could that be," She whispered to herself, "the legendary Cressealia and a Froslass?" She stepped forward a little bit to listen in on what they were saying.
Quote:
Quote:
"What do you mean a voice told you to find him?" The Froslass questioned Cressealia, "You know what, your losing you mind!"


first off, this should be like:
Quote:
There was a pokemon with two purple wings and a yellow half a moon on her head, her body was blue and yellow, and her eyes shined with pink intensity. The other pokemon was white on most of her, her arms were attached to her head with blue on the tips of her fingers, she levitated and her head was also purple.

"Could that be," She whispered to herself, "the legendary Cressealia and a Froslass?" She stepped forward a little bit to listen in on what they were saying.
Quote:
Quote:

"What do you mean a voice told you to find him?" The Froslass questioned Cressealia, "You know what, your losing you mind!"

Start a paragraph with each different person talking, this makes it easier to read.

The description of the Cressealia was decently done, with a few 'flowing'
problems here, and there, but no real big problems.
The description on the froslass, however, was pretty poorly done.
Though this part was pretty decent, it offers pretty much room for improvement, like the way how you introduce and describe the two pokemon.

Quote:
"Of course I am! The world is falling into chaos and I need to find the other pokemon to save the world!" Cressealia explained. Froslass stiffened.
This should be like:

Quote:
"Of course I am! The world is falling into chaos and I need to find the other pokemon to save the world!" Cressealia explained.

Froslass stiffened.


The sentence 'Froslass stiffened.' is vague, as it doesn't describe why he stiffened and in this case how he discovered Glaceon.

Quote:
"I know your there. Come out and I won't hurt you." Froslass demanded.
Quote:
Quote:
"Who are you?" Cressealia questioned.


This goes a bit to fast, Cressealia knows about Froslass' skills? Shouldn't she be surprised becase of the intruder(that's what Glaceon is in this situation I guess).

Quote:
"Um, I am Glaceon. I have no home nor' no family, and I have no idea who I really am. The only thing I know is my name, and I have no home." Glaceon explained sadly.
"and I have no home." Can be deleted as Glaceon already told that she has no home, but if you would leave the sentence like that you should use a , before 'and'.

The 'I am' can also be I'm. The sentence
"I have no home nor' no family" should be "I have no home or family"
Again, in my opinion, this flows better, and sounds better.

Also it is akward that Glaceon explains her situation to some strangers, it would be better for her to tell only her name first, and then let Cressealia(or Froslass) ask more information.

Also think about giving Glaceon a real name, instead of just Glaceon.

Quote:
"Hmm… Froslass, I think she should come with me." Cressealia replied to her friend.
This sentence sounds weird to, why would Cressealia decide in a split-second to take Glaceon with her, she should at least think about it.

Quote:
"What???" Froslass asked surprised, "B-But Cressealia, you can't do this! You aren't her mother!" Froslass stammered.
I added surprised to this sentence(I guess Froslass is), it shows a bit more emotion then just 'asked'. 'are not' Can be 'aren't', but that's just a suggestion

Quote:
"I know that, but since she has no home I might as well take her with me. I'm gonna need help anyway, when I go to the cave of origin."
My added things are in bold, 'help' replaces 'back up', because help is better suited in this situation.

Quote:
"Well, I guess I better tell you then." Cressealia began, "Glaceon, the world is falling apart little by little. Humans may not know it, but when they do it will be too late. Chaos is engulfing the world. I felt this just a few days ago,
Quote:
last night when I was asleep a voice spoke to me calling himself the original one. He told me everything that was happening, and he told me to find other pokemon if the world is to be saved. He, however, didn't mention who they were. Instead he told me that to find them I need to come to the cave of origin. The path to the mountain is far and I can't do it alone/on myself. I believe that you have to come with me so I can find the other chosen pokemon."


Again the things I added/changed are in bold.


Quote:
"But how does this involve me?" Glaceon asked.

I deleted the comma

Quote:
"I don't know yet, but I think that you are somehow connected to this quest (somehow)." Cressealia answered, "Therefore I need you to come with me."

Froslass turned her icy blue eyes to Glaceon then to Cressealia.
Added/ changed stuff in bold, and see how I put a empty line between what Cressealia said, and the reaction from Froslass.

Quote:
"Cressealia, if you must do this… go ahead. I won't stop you. If the world is to be saved I believe you and Glaceon can do it." She replied.
In this sentence 'She' instead of 'Froslass' would do better.

Quote:
"Good-bye Froslass." Cresselia said, "Come with me Glaceon."


More added/changed stuff in bold.

Quote:
"Um, How far is the mountain away from here." Glaceon asked.
For should be far I think, also, though, there is nothing wrong with this sentence I think you could make it 'flow' better.


Quote:
"Oh, great." Glaceon replied.

So Cressealia and Glaceon began to walk towards the tall mountain and Glaceon couldn't help but wonder if she could finally know who she was.
Again start a new paragraph for each character talking, or when you start describing after talking. Also you could change this sentence a bit to make it 'flow, and sound better.

That was the grammar/nagging part , nor for my opinion on the story self.

Overall this is a pretty decent story, with great potential. The story could use more, and better description. I still don't know what Glaceon's personality is, or what the setting looked like.

For future chapters, try to make them longer, about 4 pages in word. This should be pretty easy, cause when start describing more your chapter gets longer eventually.

Though this wasn't the best I ever read, it wasn't by far the worst, so keep writing .

One last note, I'll try to review the second chapter as soon as possible.

This really is my last note(sorry for nagging ) don't post more then one chapter a day, you will probably loose most of your writers if you post your chapter quickly after each other.


__________________
My fanfic: ~{The road to revenge}~
My review(s): the chossen from fate


~Userbar done by Jeydis~

Reply With Quote