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October 22nd, 2008 (10:12 PM).
Worrisome, but also Charming
behind that truck
Really, really thanks,
This was pretty much what I was waiting for, what I posted the chapter for to begin with.
Xanthine, you don't have to apologize. I
you to be "as blunt as you could" precisely because I needed the help you have provided.
I'm taking the corrections home and working on them. I want to answer to some of the comments, through:
An-chan comments on why isn't this chapter called "Prologue"? Short answer: because it does not, AFAIK, qualify as one. It does not present the conflict and the setting with enough aperture (both chronologically and in terms of characters/plot). I decided to keep it as a sort of "Chapter Zero".
On the "homonym" thing, actually "
" was my first choice, but decided to kill it, thinking it too technical, and place homonymous instead. Some bleak process in my head prevented "
" (a quite better-sounding word) from popping in my head. I'll try to rewrite that section to make a better use of the words available.
Note taken on the paragraph between dialogues. Grew too acustomed to hispanic/latinamerican screenwriting, where sequences of short dialogues are placed together (like, for example, greetings). Thanks for the advice.
Noted the swapping in "engraved «R»", may lead to other swaping I feel may be relevant.
with regards to the phone hook = hung up, I had the impression that in the case of the old-style phones (the ones with disc dial), the line was cut only after
parties hung up; at least that is they way it worked last time I went to a museum. I will do some little research on the subject, as I've experienced phones with Called ID behave the same, too.
Originally Posted by
Let me introduce you to a little trick I like to call the period trick.
(proceeds with example)
Thanks, Xanthine. I was not aware of such trick. I'll try it in some short essays before running over this and the next chapter, just to make sure I get it right.
Noted the thing about the change of tense. Will be the first correction made.
With regards to "A comma is not required in dialogue if you've already got another mark of punctuation": really? Wow... I was deluded by a
time then. I can't believe my english teacher never actually corrected me about that one.
Also thanks for the advise on the adjectives, i particular the ones that should be compounded ("yellow-coloured"). I seem to miss those a lot. The asparagus one I didn't think it would be too strange, given it is a colour for clothing and, according to my experience, a quite common one, regardless it being called "green" or even "kaqui" by some people. Too much Spanish-grammar sausage, where unfortunately the word for the colour name matches that of the colouring adjective, in particular with "trademarked" colours.
An-chan, noted down the thing about the "body" :D -- I
didn't expect that to happen. I simply thought as he being still and *poof* the word happened. Kinda like what happened with the "homonymous" thing, but with the unexpected and apparently comical side effect.
Noted down the tips about capitalization. Will work with two words from now on. Just one question: should I capitalize too item names that may sound too generic ("Potion" and "Soda Pop" come to mind)? I guess the anwser is "no", but I want to make sure where to draw he line if I eventually stumble upon a "Spoon", because in LG/FR, it is actually an item!
On the "other Pokémon with flaming manes", I am aware of that. That's why I chose the word "
" to lead from the individual to the species. A word like "denote" or "distinguish" would have given a wrong(er) sense of uniqueness. I'll try to rephrase that anyways.
And on her colours: I wouldn't expect much of a confusion here, given at least the anime confirms that there exists at least geographic variance in the traits of some Pokémon, such as fur, stripes and other markings.
On the subject of
: the current portrayal of the character is intentional. He is an already experienced trainer and racer who has reached his status by hard work, and he does actually have the right to be a little braggy about that. Not that he has no flaws: they simply don't show at this stage. It is also part of the play on why TR wants
On subsequent chapters, the progress of the story and the appearance of flashbacks are what expose his flaws from the perspective of how certain things can only be hidden long enough. What the flashbacks
to his choices is what drives the "undeification" of his character.
From a practical point of view, I should have made
in the preface that the work was to begin in the middle of the chain of events. Having it work that way was pretty much the whole point of asking for advice when I did in the Writer's Lounge, so I should have confirmed that
. I feel actually quite bad about that as you say it almost killed your view of the character, and this was only the beginning (narrative-wise).
On the subject of "Canonically, the beam just looks about the same when it's drawing in Pokémon as it does when it's seeking them". I'm not exactly sure, that is why I actually portrayed the change. I remember watching the first episodes and the act of recalling a Pokémon seemed to add both brightness and something like "thickness" (I'm not sure what would be the right word) to the beam.
Then, that was years ago, and I haven't seen anything past Johto, so I don't know if that was just an issue with cel shading or whatever technique used... Any good, recent episode picture I can get my hands on for research?
Noted down both your advices on 'big words'
. That one is going to be one of the hardest trials I'm going to face (having too much of a "technical dictionary" background) and is one the basis for the Beta Reader request.
Originally Posted by
you need the article (the word "a") here to indicate that there's only one.
Ughhh... that one was
, can't understand how did it escape me. No excuses there, thanks for pointing it out.
I should go to sleep now and work on this the next days. However, one last doubt assaults me:
I guess I should apply the corrections by editing the first post, right? Is there any way (besides me saving it elsewhere) the original text remains stored for comparison? So that other people will be able to see
was corrected. Simply a matter of interest.
Corrections will be made after the weekend, and I'll be lurking the Beta Place by then, to apply for a BR, also.
Thanks to you two for being nice enough to actually give me something, unlike the people where I came from (FF.net); I never got past one measly "want to read more" one-liner review there.
Venia Silente' -
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