Thread: The Beta Place
View Single Post
  #21    
Old October 26th, 2008 (12:51 PM).
solovino's Avatar
solovino
RAWR~❤
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: behind that truck
Gender: Male
Nature: Timid
O'kay, time to apply for a Beta Reader. After I published the first entry of my fic, I asked for reviews so that I could know what to ask for here, and now that the first reviews came, it's time to take this one step further. Let's see if I can fill the form right:

Title of Story: Elusive Goals

Fandom: Pokémon

Plot summary: An experienced trainer gets an offer to join Team Rocket, but as a trial he is assigned the "menial" task of defeating another trainer who just happens to be a long lost, old friend of his.

Genre: Original Trainer (yes I know everyone hates that), told from mid-ways, and with some suspense and thriller elements.

Rating (PG, R, etc): PG-13, if I'm not mistaken (because of violence)

Type of mentor needed: Grammar and Language mostly; anything else is also welcome.

Writing sample of story:
Spoiler:
"Croconaw! Look out---!"

Darius' scream was interrupted as the flaming projectile hit his Pokémon full-force, instantly exploding into streams of fire and debris, taking a star-shaped appearance. Despite being about 20 meters away, Darius was literally knocked back by the resulting shockwave, losing his breath as he landed on his back. But he was still very conscious and very aware of how dangerous the situation had become.

Taking a deep breath he tried to stand up, managing to raise to his feet at the second try. His sight instantly locked on the debris and the smoke of the explosion, but Croconaw was no longer there; instead Darius' eyes wandered about forty meters to the left, and he could distinguish the alligator-like Pokémon, shaking and barely standing, with its arms completely burned, the left one apparently broken and bleeding profusely. Despite being a Water-type Pokémon, Croconaw had sustained critical, perhaps lethal damage from the blast.

Then Darius' eyes turned the opposite direction, to the end of the racetrack, where his Rapidash was still leaping frenzily, whining in pain and swirling furiously while trying to get rid of the metal belts strapped to her torso. She had lost all control: her flames were growing so strong that the soil around her was smoking and scorching upon every touch of her hooves.

"Rapidash! Please, calm down...!" he yelled, not realising he was now walking towards her. "Love, please, you have to calm--!"

Darius could not stand watching her in such a great pain, yet that very sight had completely removed his ability to think: his mind and his heart had stopped working. He could hear a human voice behind him, but he could not interpret the words, nor their sense of urgency. He could only watch as Rapidash swirled around in mid-air and landed directly facing him, her eyes filled with what a human heart could only read as rage. Even Darius' instinct of survival seemed to be locked now, as his eyes fixated on Rapidash's mouth, slowly opening as she readied herself to fire another blast. Darius' eyes were empty of tears: with the heat of her flames and the rush of the moment, they would not have a chance to form.


Other:
Although I have been writing for some time, as I've written something for FF.net, I still have to fight some important deficiencies.

The most important one is that I lack at colloquial usage of the language, idioms and modisms, having only a background on technical writing. Because of that my writing may seem to be too flamboyant or too "ornamented" with words, instead of using simpler words to express what I mean (thanks Xanthine for the tipping). Yes, English is not my mother language. That's why language tutoring is a must for me.

I've already done my plot and character development, and I'm confident these are OK (I've worked them all over again), but of course I'm open to suggestions in those areas. Also I'm quite open to anything that helps me portray battles more realistically, because I'll have to write a lot of them.

So here I stand... ready to learn
__________________
Solovino / Venia Silente's Activity
Works
Fics
Elusive Goals | Sixth | Playfield
RP
Silent @ We Are All Pokémon Trainers
Articles
Nidoran Line, Lileep Line, Latii and others @ Project PEFE
My Claims
All pending revision

OTHER STUFF
Banner: “Playfield” by Hydro_King@Serebii.
Pokéteca Librarian — Researcher for The Pokédex Extended Fanon Edition
Reply With Quote