I could use some help, I think, or at least another pair of eyes.
Title of Story: Eon Chronicles
Plot summary: Two teenagers find a Latios and Latias and are swept into an epic fight between good and evil that has raged on for thousands of years.
Genre: Fantasy, Action, Drama, Horror
Rating (PG, R, etc): PG-13
Type of mentor needed: Comprehensive (hello Xanthine!)
Writing sample of story (sorry it's so long...):
As he sat there, finishing the last of the berries, he thought up many questions. Why had luck favored him, if it was luck, giving him this wonderful gift? Where would he go from here? What would he do? What would he see? How would he introduce Latias to his parents, and how would they take it?
As Ren pondered these things, he did not notice as a cloaked and hooded figure crept up behind him. He jumped as the figure’s shadow fell across him, and then stood up quickly, turning around to face the stranger, sword in hand.
A man’s voice emanated from under the hood. “You are Ren, are you not?” said the voice. “I need you to come with me,” it continued, not waiting for Ren’s answer.
Ren held the sword in front of his body defensively. “How do you know my name?” he asked. “Why do you disguise your face? Show yourself!” he demanded, but his quavering voice gave away his fear.
The man did not oblige, nor did he answer. He simply turned in the direction of the path that lead towards town and away from the forest, and began to walk. Ren hesitated for a moment, and then began to follow the man warily, still holding his sword. The man did not speak for a while, so Ren ventured another question.
“Where are we going?” he asked. The man continued to hold his silence, so Ren discontinued further questioning.
Eventually, they turned off of the path and into the surrounding woods. After walking for a short time, they came upon a small cottage that had fallen into disrepair. The man proceeded to the front door, so Ren did the same.
Suddenly, the man was thrown to one side, seemingly struck by an invisible force. He lay writhing on the ground, as though he were struggling against something. Latias then appeared: she was pinning the man’s cloaked form to the ground with her forelegs.
“Where do you think you are going with this boy?” she was almost shouting at the man with her mind, using the same technique she used to communicate with Ren. “Speak, or I will hold you as foe and deal with you as such!” she finished, her face pressed close to the man’s, her eyes flashing like lightning.
The man stopped struggling and lifted his hands to his face, pulling back his hood. “Stop, stop Latias!” he said. “It’s me! It’s Griffith!”
Latias let the man up, backing away. As the man stood, Ren saw his face. It was the one eyed-merchant from the marketplace. “What are you doing here?” Ren asked, shocked.
Griffith regarded Ren with his one good eye. “I came to see you, Ren,” he explained. “I knew where that stone I gave to you would lead you, and what you would find. I knew you would meet Latias, and that your encounter would probably be overwhelming to you, so I came to help you understand her better. Come inside,” he finished, and began walking once again towards the door of the cottage.
Ren followed reluctantly at the man’s heels, Latias hovering close behind. They all three went inside, and Griffith closed the door behind them. “Now then,” said Griffith, taking off his cloak and placing it on a hook beside the doorway. “Where shall we begin, Latias?”
Ren spoke up. “How did Latias attack you?” he blurted out. “I couldn’t see her until she already had you on the ground.”
Latias and Griffith exchanged glances. “That’s as good a place as any to start,” Latias thought to both of them.
Griffith nodded in agreement, and then walked towards the back of the cottage, disappearing in an adjoining room for a moment. When he returned, he carried a stack of ancient, leather bound books in his hands. He placed the books on a table in the room, and patted the top book’s dusty cover affectionately. “These,” he began, “are the Eon Chronicles. Or at least what’s left of them. They contain all known information on Latias, as well as Latios, the male of her species.” He picked up the top book, flipping to its first page. “This is Latios,” he said, holding the book in front of Ren and pointing to a very detailed, colored sketch.
The picture depicted a pokémon much like Latias, although where Latias was red, this pokémon was blue. Furthermore, Latios had a white, teardrop-shaped mark on his forehead in contrast to Latias' pentagonal crest, and the triangle on his chest was bright red. Ren studied the sketch for a moment before Griffith pulled the book away.
“Now to answer your question,” Griffith told Ren, beginning to once again leaf through the pages of the ragged volume. “Ah, here,” he said after a few moments. He began to read from a yellowed page. “Latias has the ability to influence the light striking her body with her glass-like feathers,” he stated, “bending it to alter her appearance or even render herself invisible.”
Ren looked at Latias, who was punctuating the man’s words by taking on the appearance of the table she floated next to. Griffith continued to read aloud. “This ability allows Latias to catch prey or foes unaware, and allows her to blend in with any surroundings. It also helps her to avoid harm when foes are near, hiding her from sight.”
Ren walked over to Latias, who now appeared as a perfect copy of the table. He held out his hand, stroking her feathers. The image of the table rippled where his hand touched as Latias’ outer layer of feathers shifted, exposing red and white ones underneath.
Latias faded back into her normal coloration. “Now that you have your answer, Ren, I must tell you something important,” she thought to him. “It concerns the origins of my knowledge, which I told you before I didn’t know.” She studied his face. “What I told you was not truthful, Ren. My knowledge was built over many generations of my species, written down by your kind in the Eon Chronicles. Every one thousand years, a new member of my species is hatched, but not before a member of your species has taught them all of the information contained in the Chronicles.” She paused. Ren was listening intently.
“Griffith was elected to teach me,” she continued. “He is the last remaining member of a family that has taught my species for many, many generations.” She paused again.
“It is customary for the member of your species that teaches the member of my species to become partners with the hatchling,” she started once more. “However, since Griffith is the last of his line, he has decided to give his responsibility to an heir not of his own. He continued to teach me the knowledge of the Chronicles as he searched for a worthy candidate. He chose you to shoulder the responsibility of ensuring my kind’s survival, Ren. He chose you to be my partner, to record what you learn about me, and to teach my offspring all that is known in the Chronicles.”
At this point, Griffith began to speak. “There is a small problem, however,” he said. “Many volumes of the Eon Chronicles have been lost, either to the decay of time, simple misplacement, or theft. Therefore, we do not know all of Latias’ secrets, or what she is capable of.” He lowered his voice. “There is another problem,” he continued. “Every time a new member of the Eon Family is hatched, an evil force rises also, seeking to bend the Latias or Latios’ power to its will. The force usually manifests itself as a man, but has also manifested itself in other forms. This evil being attempts to gain control of all of the Eon Chronicles, thus ultimately finding out all of the secrets of the Eon family, including how to control it."
Latias began to message Ren again. “We are telling you this because we need to be cautious,” she thought to him. “The evil being has awakened; I have felt it as an ever-growing presence. Therefore, I must avoid being seen as long as possible, for the creature may have spies in the midst of the world’s creatures. If I am found, we will both be in danger, as the evil being will not hesitate to kill you and declare itself my partner. If that happens, the world may be all but lost: we have no idea what the creature could or would make me do at that point. Keep this in mind, Ren, always,” she finished, staring earnestly at Ren’s face.
Ren stood silently for a long time. His world was turning upside down. Finally he spoke. “What do we do now?” he inquired of Latias and Griffith.
“Train,” started Griffith.
“And find the missing Eon Chronicles,” Latias finished.
Other: What I really need is someone to come in and catch all of my mistakes, whether they be grammatical or plot-oriented. I also need a pacing check: I feel like the content of the story is slowly spiraling down into monotony and over-writing. I have reviewers, but I need someone that can basically come in, look at the story as a whole, and tell me how it's working.