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Old November 15th, 2008, 05:41 AM
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bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
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As promised, a review.
But first I feel like commenting on this:
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This story is PG-13 for some romantic action, sequences of large amounts of offensive language, and overawesomeness.
First point - ok, although admittedly I do not follow shippings, particularly those regarding Ashy-boy. But if you carry it well, I can't complain much... not quite my tastes, but we shall see. Nothing wrong with the last reason too for the rating. But for the 'large amounts of offensive language'... I'd advise against it. Not many people actually enjoy reading swear words or the such, and it can detract from the story, and work against it. You haven't had any yet, so there's nothing here that needs changing, but I would recommend dropping it unless it is necessary. Most of the time I have found it to be unnecessary though, and if so it only really 'works' in dialogue. Just my opinion here...

Ok, the story itself. It's not half bad, to be honest - interesting beginnings. Not the greatest fan of Ash TBH (barely watch the anime for one), but I'll see where this goes involving him. Him encountering a Shadow Pokemon is interesting - Shadow Pokemon in Kanto is a concept indeed. Interesting on Michael too, especially the whole 'I shall release the legendary birds' thing - agree with it, as it does make sense.

Also interesting (and kinda odd) to see a fic somewhat in my style as well... (e.g. Pokemon talking via saying their name followed by a translation in italics)... inspired?

Now for critique, whee. Overall although you have a base, and a steady one at that, there are numerous things you can do to improve it. But that's ok - one has to start from somewhere.
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About a day's walk away from the tall towers in Veilstone City, a large clearing marks the last resting spot in the large, lush forest. Trees completely surround the clearing as if it was a stadium. The ground on the clearing is covered with grass that smells like the various numbers of berries that drop occasionally from the surrounding trees: Leppa, Pecha, Occa, and Wacan to name a few.

Pikachu was about to make a sarcastic comment when he heard heavy footsteps echo from the other side of the clearing. His ears perked up, and he gives a small shout of alert:
First thing - minor, but three 'clearing's' in two paragraphs or four sentences... it's repetitive and not quite the best thing to have. I'd suggest changing one of them - use another word/s.

Secondly, you tend to have some tense confusion. For the most part of the story you use past-tense words, but particularly in the beginning, you had both past and present tense going. An example here being 'perked up', and 'he gives a'... different times of the narration suggested here. It's essential that you remain consistent, and use one rather then multiple.
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One was a young teenage girl with an orange bandana covering most of her head. Long, thick, brown hair seeped out of the back, and waved across the front of her forehead. She was wearing a red tube dress with shorts that attached themselves to her legs. Next to her, a teenage boy with saggy blue jeans, a vest over a white shirt, and a hat with black hair frizzing out from underneath in all directions said, "You take too quickly to get through, Pikachu!
Firstly, suggest replacing that 'and' with 'which' - makes more sense that way.

Ok, here you have some description, which is good to see - at least you've given a nice idea of what they look like. However, it can be improved on. What you have is somewhat listy - i.e. you name one detail right after the other, then stop doing so any other time. Rather then trying to clump it in one go, spread it out a bit - use some description, then have some dialogue/an event... then again mention a small detail next the character is mentioned. There's nothing wrong with giving a short 'intro', but try to avoid solely relying on that.

Also; try to incorporate some actions into the description. That way, you can have an event in the story, while describing the person in some way, which keeps the pace moving and describes the character far more easily. It also allows for you to develop the character by describing their personality, through something called 'showing' rather then' telling'.

Rather then saying 'she did this', or 'she was like this, this and this', show us this. Describe how she brushes her hair from her face, for instance, or how she does things. If she's confident, she'll say things... well, confidently, or act comfortable walking through the forest. If they're of a nervous disposition; they make jump slightly at the sudden arrival of a new character, for instance. Consider such things, and from that work on developing the character some more, while having a greater and less-obvious usage of description.

Your description is decent - better then most new writers in general who tend to have none at all. But it is a little bit simple in parts, and there's no harm in trying to improve it. Just some pointers.
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I haven't heard form him since
From over form.

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"Battle? Of course!" Ash sayid. "3-on-3 martial arts style okay?" Martial arts style is a form of battling where there are no substitutions.
Said over said, and the bolded sentence... well, I feel it could be reworded, so it doesn't sound like you the narrator said it, as if you just added it in as an afterthought.

There is a need to explain it, yes (but I question calling it 'martial arts style...' seeing it has little to do with it, but... eh), but try incorporating it into the story more, so it sounds less like you are telling it to us. Maybe have a character remark on it? That way we still get told, but it's explained within the story.
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PIKA!(You can't lose to me, Rocky!) Pikachu rushed to Ash, priming itself for battle.
I have nothing against Rocky references, but it seemed a bit... out of place. He didn't seem to resemble him much at all (for example no mumbling 'I've gotta do what I've gotta do' or anything like that), so it felt a bit from left field. Try to have a few of them in such cases - sometimes one has to so it doesn't seem so random.
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"PIKA!"(Enguarde!) Pikachu screamed, who then rushed harshly towards Weavile. It stopped, however, just short of Weavile. Weavile, expecting contact, flinched. Pikachu then struck with its tail, sending Weavile back a few inches.
...yay for Fake Fake-outs? XD
Suggest adding in that 'who' as the first sentence then seems rushed, either that or '...screamed, before he rushed...'. Also 'harshly' does feel a bit odd for me to describe running/rushing... just my opinion though.
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"Gliscor, you're turn!" Ash called out, throwing out a PokeBall that summons a large, black scorpion with wings. "GLIIII!"(This one's for you, sweetie!)
Your over you're, and another example of tense confusion - and not the only one. 'called out' is the past tense, while 'that summoned' is present. Keep it consistent - as the chapter is mostly past tense, suggest changing the latter part. Do it for the rest as well.
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"Gliscor, start with Earthquake!"
Gliscor summoned a ball of energy and throws it down on the ground, causing the entire clearing to shake.

"Infernape, jump to dodge!"

Infernape jumped up into the air before the vibartions of the Earthquake can reach him.

"Gliscor, charge in with Aerial Ace!"

Gliscor zoomed towards Infernape at a Super Sonic speed.

Moar tense errors - 'throws it down' and 'can reach' being the offenders here, compared tot he otherwise-past-tense section. And 'Super Sonic' doesn't need capitalisation. Unless it's a VERY vague Sonic the Hedgehog reference, which would be very out of place as is. I'd advise uncapitalising it.

But here is another instance where the description can be improved upon, as well as the sentence structure. You have one line of dialogue, followed by a separate line on what happened. It's repetitive, and gets a listy and boring feel from it. Try to mix it up some more, with some longer parts. You can expand on the attacks as well - here you are telling us what happened, but not showing us.

e.g. - 'Gliscor summoned a ball of energy and (threw) it down on the ground, causing the entire clearing to shake.' You tell us how it happened (ball of energy thrown), but you didn't show us. For instance, no mention on the ball of energy itself. What did it look like? Colour, size? Maybe it pulsated, suggesting it was strong? Was it simply dropped onto the ground via gravity, or did he ram it into the ground? How did he throw it - did he use an arm/wing, or maybe he hit it with a part of his body? There are some other things to consider.

Another one - you can add a bit more to 'causing the clearing to shake'. Shake how hard? And from this, you can expand and give us a better indication of how hard it was. For instance - include environmental effects! Maybe trees swayed, as leaves and... I don't know, pine cones fell off. Maybe small pebbles on the ground shook as well. Maybe, even, the trainers suffer some affects from the attack. By doing so, you then show how strong the move is and that it shook things up through engaging description - and yet you never actually mention that it is strong or that it shook things. Makes it more interesting as well - readers will then be thinking 'wow...pine cones fell off! that's an strong attack' (), rather then ''it's strong', oh ok then'. Leaves more of an effect on their mind.

This makes the writing more engaging, as it helps immense ourselves into the story, making it more realistic for us the reader.

Also, the Pokemon could stand to have more description too. Infernape you did a tad, but we don't know how big, or what colour, etc it was. Pretend we don't know much about Pokemon, so have some description. Better yet - do that while describing the personality or something like that about the Pokemon. E.g. it has flames on it's head - maybe it blazes brightly or furiously, reflecting how Infernape is angry/psyched up (reflected again in his dialogue). Suddenly we have some more on the Infernape (or rather it's flame), and what it's feeling.

Again - at least you have some, which is WAY better then none. One has to build of something, and lord knows I need to do a better job of description myself. Just some pointers - generally, consider how things happen, what they are like, then show them to us with words. It will go a long way in improving your writing.

(Oh, and did Ash not return Pikachu, hence breaking the 'no subs' rule? Or am I missing something? If so, could be clearer that one can/has to change Pokemon for each battle...)
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"Good work, Gliscor! Return!" Ash said as he returns it to its PokeBall.
Said = past tense, 'as he returns it' = present. Conflicting tenses again...
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"You're pretty good, kid." Zeek remarked.
Full stop should be a comma.
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However, this one looked particualrly angry, and spoke sinisterly. "Poolliwhirrrrrrrrllllll!"(Your chance of victory is so thin, a Magikarp could break it!)
You kinda hinted that it was a Shadow Pokemon a tad too much... but then it is kinda obvious there would be Shadow Pokemon in this fic, and I was looking carefully.

But here is another chance for more description - maybe it looks angry in the way it acts - maybe it waves its fists, maybe it stomps the ground, maybe it glares... consider such ways to show this fact.
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Three men were gathered around a fire in the clearing, eating Spam and rice and listening to salsa music.
Spam and rice... how random. and amusing. And salsa music can only mean ONE thing. :D

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"Have you ever thought that the boss has the slightest possibility of being mentally handicapped?" One man murmured to the other, as to not be caught talking about the boss.
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"He has stated that he is, you retard!" The other replied. "He hit his head when he was a kid, and now, he has to dance whenever he hears music, and has a constant addiction to music!"
What ho, using my explanations from my fic?

I AM fine with it (especially as you mentioned and credited it as well), BUT... well, I'll just say it does seem a bit odd to see such work. And, why not develop a Miror B character of your own? Use your own ideas, and have fun coming up with them (leastways I find it quite fun to do so). Otherwise it can give an impression that you are being lazy, even if it is but a mere reference. But yay for references all the same.

The way it is delivered is also a bit iffy for mine.. as (OMG character spoilers for those none-Colo/XD players):
Spoiler:
Folly and Trudly have worked for him a LONG time now... over five years; so why would they tell each other about it again? Granted - they're not the brightest bunch, but still... it's better to deliever it in more 'realistic' ways, such as to a character who doesn't know Miror B, or through his thoughts or the such, rather then a conva with someone who would know.


On the bolded parts - they should not be capitalised (sentence following dialogue flows on, so treat two parts as one sentence, hence the lack of a capital), and points for 'Red Hot Chilli Peppers'.
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Michael chuckled a little at this comment. He then checked his belt to make sure he had the other 5 pokemon that he had chosen from his 80 he had snagged while stopping Cipher from taking over Orre with Shadow Pokemon.

Generally - write out numbers less then 100 - e.g. five and eighty. Minor but something that tends to be done. I'll also add that Michael was barely described at all - he could stand some more as well, certainly.

AND... that's all. Just a few pointers here and there. Generally, you can stand to improve description-wise, and expand on things, but it's not too bad. An ok intro, if some plot already developing, and you seem to have sentence structures down-pat (as well as a lack of repeating the first words of sentences as well). Work on tenses and clean up those mistakes (spends some more time proof-reading won't hurt), and maybe broaden your horizons by trying some other good fanfics as well, and in addition take a gander at the advice threads. They tend to help for beginning authors, and I'm speaking from experience here - they're there to help you improve.

You have a ways to go, but you did decently for a beginning. And, as they say, practise makes perfect. So, keep it up!

(Oh, and for some reason the post you made got shifted to the side... so had to keep scrolling to see some parts of sentences to the side. Odd...)
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