Thread: The Beta Place
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Old December 15th, 2008 (6:53 PM).
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Spinor Spinor is offline
The Lonely Physicist
Crystal Tier
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Sorry, you've got my momentum down already!
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Serious
Posts: 5,191
Well, it's my first time in attempting at a fic, and I think I will need a tester of course XD

Title of Story: Mexican Chocolate

Fandom: Pokemon, Pearlshipping

Plot summary:

Ash, Dawn, Brock, and Max decide to visit Pokemon-World Mexico after an exhausting journey in Sinnoh. However, they meet up with 2 antagonists, Pokemon Hunter J, and Humberto Valdez, a Mexican Outlaw. Both seeking the Orb of Nature to control the Ecosystem and nature, and thus, the world. The removal of the orb could cause a devastational current that could destroy the Sinnoh region. Now it is up to Ash, Dawn, Brock, and Max to stop them.

Genre: Action, Comedy, Romance (in later stages), Real world mixture

Rating : PG-13: Language, Mild Non-graphic Sexuality, Crude humor.

Type of mentor needed: Character/Plot, Grammar

Writing sample of story: (Watch out, long example. Half of one of my Prologues,)

Today sure feels strange…

That was the thought of Ash, Dawn, and Brock as they entered the Pokemon Center in Viridian City.

After a rough week back in Sinnoh, Dawn was interested in seeing Ash and Brock’s hometowns. She had never seen the Kanto region before.

The center was pretty quiet, there were almost nobody in there except them, a few other people, and Nurse Joy.

As Dawn’s Pokemon were being checked by Nurse Joy, who is seemingly being checked out by Brock, the center door suddenly opened and came in a kid in a plain green shirt with black shorts, running down the building to Nurse Joy.

“Please help me! My Treecko is hurt from battling a Pidgey, it needs help quickly!” exclaimed the kid to nurse Joy. He was very desperate and looked like he was at the brink of having a breakdown.

“Just calm down boy,” she replied, “I’ll get your Pokemon healed in no time.”

He handed her the Pokeball and placed it in a small care bed, which was taken a pair of Chansy to the emergency room to the right of her desk.

The boy sat down on a chair close to Ash and started to rub his fingers in nervousness.

Ash looked at him in curiosity. He looked very familiar, he tried and tried to remember but he couldn’t seem to place it together.

Finally when he saw the green shoes and yellow backpack, it came to him. That kid was Max!

“Max! Is that really you?” asked Ash as he walked to him in surprise.

“Huh? Oh! It’s you Ash! I can’t believe it! I missed you a lot! You really got taller and your voice got manly!” Ash blushed, “Pikachu is as cute and strong as ever, he still hangs on your shoulder? Oh I missed you as well so much!” then Pikachu blushed, “ Brock-o! I’m surprised you are still here without a little “Virginity Stealer” ey?” Brock drooped in disappointment, “And, and! And… who is she?” Max pointed at Dawn, then finally, she blushed.”

“Max, this is Dawn, she is one of my friends from the Sinnoh region. I’m sure May told you about her.” replied Ash

“Huh? Oh yeah, she said she was a “fackin shluty hore” or something because she beat her in the Wallace Cup. She sure likes competition”

“WHAT DID SHE SAY ABOUT ME?!” screamed Dawn. She ran up to Max very fast and was at the verge of strangulating him.

“Ahh! I was just kidding! Ahh! Ack! Ack!”

“Woah Dawn! Calm down!” Ash pulled her back from Max and put his hands on her shoulders. “He was just kidding, no need to make him look like a Girafarig.”

“But he called me a wh-“

“I’m sorry Dawn,” interrupted Max, “But she still seemed kind of mad after she came back to Hoenn”

Dawn calmed down after a bit, and sat back down. Ash sat next to her, then she started crying.

“Dawn, what’s wrong?” asked Ash.

“ I thought she was my friend, but she simply hates me for being good” she sniffled.

“It’s ok,” reassured Ash, “I’m sure May wasn’t that kind of person, she is over reactive sometimes, you know that.”

As Ash sweet talked to Dawn, Max snickered.

“I’m telling my sis you are cheating on her.” He teased.

“What do you mean? I never even started with her!” replied Ash

“But she told me she liked you”


“Yes, it’s true”

“Look Max, the thing is, I did really have those feelings for her. I just saw her as a friend.”

“Does that mean you don’t like her?”

“I like her as a friend, but not beyond that”

“So you do like her but never planned on a sexual relation with her?”

“How old are you!?”


“Oh gosh, just shut up.”

“You’re very mean”

“She’ll understand, no? She is mature enough to understand.”

“She won’t, I read her diary. She wanted to hug you, kiss you, smooch you, and eventually where it’s legal, bunk up with you and have some-“

“OH PLEASE DON’T REMIND ME! THIS BRINGS TOO MUCH SUFFERING! WAAH!” interrupted Brock. He started sobbing for the fact that he never got a real girlfriend.

There was a long silence, Dawn was still sobbing, as if she had heard nothing.

Insert some Pokemon or Detective Conan related image and witty caption here.

If you talk mean about my Conan+Ai OTP I'll make you see the barrel of my coilgun
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