I like the new dialogue better than the old. A lot of it makes more grammatical sense, but some of what I've seen isn't very colloquial. When speaking in a normal conversation, would you say, "They can save you when otherwise you would otherwise be done for." or, "They'd save you in a bad streak."?
Also, the very last screenshot sticks out most to me. Any person, especially a child, would not use "fares" in a normal English sentence. I'm not going to give you suggestions for every dialogue, so I'll end right here. But you should try speaking to your friends and put cues you get from talking to them into your regular character dialogues.