View Single Post
January 26th, 2009 (4:35 PM).
I C U
Possibly in a tree
I like it so far! Sounds like an interesting plot!
I wonder what Leah has been doing these past years though...
I have a tad of grammery-type stuff:
Though, in the corner of her eye, she could easily make out several huddling, though cheerful, figures ahead of her, not having hardly a care in the world.
Ahh! Too many commas. I would break that up...too many adjectices in a row. "Though" is unneeded. You could write:
In the corner of her eye she could easily make out several huddling, though cheerful, figures ahead of her, none of whom appeared to have a care in the world.
That's still a bit wordy, but it makes sense.
Anyway, it seems like a very original story. You opened up a lot of questions in this chapter about Leah's past so it's a good start.
Not much else to say; I like it.
to see a map of Acceber!
Joined Mar 2008
View Public Profile
Send a private message to delongbi
Find all posts by delongbi
Find threads started by delongbi
Ignore Posts by delongbi