Thread: [Pokémon] Mentor (PG-14)
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Old January 26th, 2009, 04:35 PM
delongbi's Avatar
delongbi
I C U
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Possibly in a tree
Nature: Quirky
I like it so far! Sounds like an interesting plot!

I wonder what Leah has been doing these past years though...

I have a tad of grammery-type stuff:

Quote:
Though, in the corner of her eye, she could easily make out several huddling, though cheerful, figures ahead of her, not having hardly a care in the world.
Ahh! Too many commas. I would break that up...too many adjectices in a row. "Though" is unneeded. You could write:

In the corner of her eye she could easily make out several huddling, though cheerful, figures ahead of her, none of whom appeared to have a care in the world.

That's still a bit wordy, but it makes sense.

Anyway, it seems like a very original story. You opened up a lot of questions in this chapter about Leah's past so it's a good start.

Not much else to say; I like it.
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