Thread: [Pokémon] Mentor (PG-14)
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Old January 26th, 2009 (10:08 PM).
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Dagzar Dagzar is offline
The Dreamer
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my dreams.
Gender: Female
Nature: Relaxed
Posts: 444
Could've done without the summary, but I think it's pretty good. It's pretty well thought through, and hints at some pretty dark themed stuff. So... Awesome! Can't wait for Chapter Two.
Thanks! The summary is there because other sites that I've posted this story on required a summary; I forgot to take the summary out of this version, however.

Ahh! Too many commas. I would break that up...too many adjectices in a row. "Though" is unneeded. You could write:

In the corner of her eye she could easily make out several huddling, though cheerful, figures ahead of her, none of whom appeared to have a care in the world.

That's still a bit wordy, but it makes sense.

Anyway, it seems like a very original story. You opened up a lot of questions in this chapter about Leah's past so it's a good start.

Not much else to say; I like it.
Heh, commas and I never get along. Thanks for the correction, it does make much more sense than what I put.

Chapter two should be up in a week (technically, I've already written chapter two and most of three, but I don't like putting updates sooner then a week apart). Thanks for your reviews!
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