Thread: [Pokémon] Mentor (PG-14)
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Old February 3rd, 2009, 10:21 PM
delongbi's Avatar
delongbi
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Possibly in a tree
Nature: Quirky
Alright here we go. Grammar comes first.

The over-use of the comma:

Quote:
But, to do that, she had to look happy, and be a nice person and-
It should be : “ But to do that she had to look happy, and be a nice person and-

Quote:
Oh, screw it, she thought, as a frown made its way onto her face.


No need for the comma after thought.

Quote:
“Try to look as mean and ferocious as a rat like you can.”
That is a bit wordy. Perhaps drop the "like you can" part.

Quote:
Their small voices drifted towards Leah
Towards should be toward.

Quote:
He had shocking orange hair that clung to his head and with hardly a hair out of place.


No need for the “and”. Instead:

He had shocking orange hair that clung to his head, with hardly a hair out of place.

Quote:
He looked like someone who had realized that Christmas had come early.
You tend to do this a lot. Your wording is a bit awkward; perhaps, you could have written:

He looked like someone who had realized Christmas was coming early.

It just flows a lot better. There is nothing wrong with your original grammar, it is just doesn’t flow nicely.

Quote:
“Not to you,”


I think you meant, “Not you,”

Quote:
"What’s your name?” the boy directed at Leah, obviously never been taught that it was rude to interrupt people.


Should be:

“What’s your name?” the boy directed at Leah. He obviously had never been taught that it was rude to interrupt people.

Quote:
All her Grandmother advised her, before she left for Viridian City two days ago, was to get to know the new trainers and to make sure that she knew them well enough to keep them out of trouble. Keep them out of trouble and everything would hopefully be smooth sailing, was what her Grandmother told her. Well, and to be polite, but Leah disregarded that command immediately like she always did.


It should be “Keeping them out of trouble….”

Also, this section illustrates another tendency of yours. You often repeat yourself. The second sentence seems unneeded. There are a few other instances where this happens. I would try to avoid repetition, unless there is reason to believe the reader will not remember something.

In addition, I would avoid starting sentences with “and” or “but” because they tend to be fragments. For instance:

Quote:
And a Pokemon battle was the answer to her problems.


Why not just start with “A”.

Quote:
Pokemon trainer, equaled headaches


Unneeded comma again.

Quote:
Hopefully, it’ll last more then a few days


Then should be than.

Quote:
the girl, but didn’t let it bother


Again, no need for the comma.

Quote:
“Because you’re stupid,” Leah mocked. “Your don’t know anything about what a trainer does, do you?


Your should be you.

Quote:
She need to leave, Leah


Should be needed.


Quote:
All they could do now was to follow their mentor’s retreating back. They had to become Pokemon trainers.

There was no alternative.


Err… why? There are plenty of alternatives.
Another grammar-related comment: You tend to change tenses a lot. Try to stick to one. For the most part, the story is in the past tense so stick with that.

Comments:
Quote:
Sadly though, her comment seemed to have the opposite effect. “Sandshrews can rip people apart? Really? That’s so awesome!”

I already love this kid.
Quote:
Ed started to panic at his unresponsive Pokemon. He was shouting and begging it as Sands kept slashing away at the hard flesh that adorned Paras’s body. After that didn’t work, he tried to communicate with Leah, but she just ignored him and stared at the one-sided battle.
Wow. That’s pretty cruel.

I have to say, I liked the first chapter a lot better, mostly because there were not nearly as many grammar issues. I highly recommend revising your chapter multiple times before posting it as well as having someone else read over it.

Aside from grammar, I liked the actual content. Leah has a very interesting character, and though she is extremely judgmental, I find her intriguing. I like Ed, but I’m not sure about Alley yet…

I liked the battle and was extremely surprised when Ed won.

I’m definitely excited for the next chapter (hopefully more revised though)!
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