Thread: [Pokémon] Mentor (PG-14)
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Old March 1st, 2009 (8:42 AM).
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delongbi delongbi is offline
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Possibly in a tree
Nature: Quirky
Posts: 161
Yay, another chapter!!! I was starting to think you had gone to the dark side...

Okay, grammar errors first. Getting a Beta did help, but there were still a couple of errors.

But shock went through her when she realized that that just might work!
For the most part, you should avoid starting sentances with "But", "Or", or "And". In a few situations, starting with such words is neccessary, but usually it makes the sentance awkward (like this instance). You could just begin with "Shock".

If she popped their little assumptions, maybe they’d leave?
Technically, that's not a question, so no question mark.

Ally started, “but… You have too,” her voice was pleading, “Because then we- we can’t…”
Alright, this is a very common error that is a bit had to explain, but I'll do my best. Of course, it's one of those nasty comma rules.

If you start a sentance with:

Ally started, "....."

That is right. "Started" could be replaced with any number of words that indicate someone is speaking.

However, when you write, "her voice was pleading," there is no actual verb to indicate Ally is speaking, and thus no comma is needed.

I think this is best illustrated through example. It should be this:

Ally started, “But… you have too.” Her voice was pleading. “Because then we- we can’t…”

Additionally, you did not capitalize "but" and did capitalize "you". It should be vice versa.

“Because if you don’t,” his voice lowered, “We’ll never leave you alone.”
This is the same rule as before. It should be:

"Because if you don’t-” His voice lowered. “-we’ll never leave you alone.”

This was a bit of a weird case because you were interupting a sentance with "His voice lowered."

“Shut up,” she said to them without looking back, “Don’t say a word; I don’t want to even know you’re following me.”
Comma rule again. This time the comma is correct after, "Shut up," but incorrect after "back".

Should be:

"Shut up,” she said to them without looking back. “Don’t say a word; I don’t want to even know you’re following me.”

He wrinkled his nose at the odd smell, “It doesn’t look lived in.”
Period, not comma after smell.

You messed up this comma rule a couple of other times, but I stopped copying and pasting every instance.

“Where’s your parents?” Ed asked as he poked around
It should be "Where are your parents?" because the word parents is plural.

“’Cause you’re taking us,” Ed shot back, “Besides, haven’t you ever wanted to go to places like Celadon and Saffron City?”
Comma rule again. Period after "back", not comma.

She lied, there were places that she’s always wanted to see, but telling them that would just add more fuel to the fire.
Change in tense again. It should be "she'd always wanted to see" not "she's".

“No,” Leah insisted, shaking her head, “I just want to stay home.”

“Well,” Ed said, mocking her, “Sucks to be you then.”
Comma rule again.

I'm not sure I did a good job of explaining the comma rule. I would google it to make sure you understand when commas should be used with quotation marks.

Besides a few grammar issues, this chapter was very good. I like all the mysteries you throw in, and I like how these three are not following the classic journey path.

That Time
I cannot wait to see what that time really is.

Thanks for writing! I'm excited for the next chapter!
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