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Old March 26th, 2009 (08:14 PM).
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Bay Alexison Bay Alexison is offline
Not a Baygel
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Nature: Sassy
Posts: 2,675
I say, this is quite a comedic piece you got there. There were many parts that I laughed a loud a lot. Since you’re able to do a big review of NE after reading nineteen chapters of it, I’ll try my best to do the same. However, there are going to be a few times I’ll talk about, say, Chapters 4 and 5 at the same time (you’ll know what I mean). Sorry, don’t think I’ll be able to cover everything, and also want to play catch up. ;

Prologue, Chapter 1, and Chapter 2
I’ll just say overall strong and funny beginning. From Gonzap’s moustache to that coffee man to Pinky’s battle to Rui, there’s not much I can say here, heh.
The only thing is the beginning battles seemed a bit too easy and Wes over himself. Then again, you did say the battles at first were easy (yes, I hadn’t played Colosseum ; ).


Chapters 3 and 4
Pretty much my favorite parts in Chapter 3 are when Rui at first got mad at Rui, but then all of sudden is okay with him (thanks to Esperon ) and also the suspense of the catch.

Chapter 4, first off gotta love flashbacks. Also, love that scene where the man told him to save the game. How can you do that?

Quote:
“But you know me - I’m stingy, and proud of it!” declared Wes, who was giving evil stares through the window at the hotel keeper, who was on his fifth bottle of wine. “Besides - I think I’ve found a way in.”
Hah, I’m proud to be one too! XD


Chapters 5 and 6
Quote:
“Umbreon,” (Hey, simple minds are easily amused,)
So true.

Quote:
“Hobos,” Wes absentmindedly answered. After a moment of staring at the invisible crack in the ground, he raised his hands to his mouth and hollered “Echo!”. The sound bounced off the rocky walls, giving a ghostly feel as the word came back to them and faded into the darkness below.

Echo.

Echo.

Echo.

Then a new sound emerged from below.

Shut up…

Shut up…

Shut up…

“Guess he was right,” said Wes to himself, surprised by the outcome. “Guess I annoyed someone… let’s go into the Colosseum for now…”
Great answer. XD

Love the windwill scene pretty much . Poor Umbreon being thrown there. XD Also, thirty years of experience until you can get Chief’s job? *sighs*

All I gotta say at the end of Chapter Five is the people’s reaction to Wes stealing the Pokemon is priceless. XD

Chapter 6- I feel sorry for Sherles. I do wonder why he hired Johnson…:p

The scene where Esperon and Alakazam wiped everyone’s memory is funny. Guess the heat is making them crazy or something. XD

And oh, I just LOVE both Mirror B and Nascour’s reactions when they realize they just missed Wes.


Chapters 7 and 8
Quote:
“Even though the Chief was knocked out, I’ll be spinning gears some more! Thirty long years of cranking gears, Thirty more years I’ll spin some more…” began Chief with his off-key singing. “OH YEAH BABY! This is the way it should be! Thirty long years…” he continued, singing louder this time.
Chief’s a bit too excited about his gear. XD;

On that dream, at first I thought you put there randomly, but now I can’t help but see the resemblance of the line, “I’m not your father… because YOU DON’T HAVE ONE!” to Chapter 12. Um…yeah. ;

The battles I liked how you didn’t say every detail about them but just go for the most important (and comedic) parts. Would be a pain to try to describe them all, especially with the battles turn based. I do believe though you could have put more emphasis on Cali’s battle, with him knowing a bit about Cipher and all, but that’s probably just me.

On the gears scene, I wonder why Sherles or Duking didn’t really do anything when Ferma and Reath came. Then again, I guess they didn’t know they’re part of Cipher yet.

The shopping scene and the battles in Chapter 8 are quite funny and enjoyable. My favorites are when Rui got all of those items (so may pastries ) and of course Tom during AND after the battle. XD


Chapters 9 and 10
Chapter 9 I thought you did the battle well. Lots of comedy there, like Magikrap able to defeat his opponents and Tom. XD However, it was a bit confusing as there were a lot of guards Wes and the others had to go through and hard to keep track on what’s going on.

Chapter 10 I thought you did well parodying “Crazy” and incorporating it as Mirror B’s backstory. Also, that theme song brought back memories. XD


Chapter 11
Quote:
“So, you think you can dance?” Miror B chuckled, amused at the group as he placed the radio by his mini-stage. “This is my special radio that my dear friend in Cipher made me! Instead of merely playing the song, it sends out suggestive waves that force you to dance! So, try fighting me while you jive to the music! I assure you, it’s the only way to battle – with dance!” he sung. Meanwhile, Johnson’s Magikarp flopped along to the music – and started flopping out of the cave as well, unable to control where it could go.

“Hey, come back!” Johnson cried, dancing an Irish Jig after his Magikarp and out of the cave. Soon after the sound of shouts and splashes could be heard.
Yes, I think I can dance. When is the next season of that show coming? XD *gets shot*

Also, love that Magikarp just flopped out of the cave and I can imagine Johnson doing an Irish Jig.

Quote:
No, Wes thought. They’re surely not… they’re doing the Can-Can? Wes thought in shock, as the Pokemon began to do just that.

“Ludi!” (Dance dance!) chanted one, kicking out enthusiastically as the rain began to pick up again, the threat from Secret Power having dissipated by now.

“Ludicolo Ludi!” (Yes we do a dance dance!) The other Ludicolo sung.

“Ludicolo Ludi!” (Now we do a rain dance!)

“Ludi Colo Ludi Ludi Ludi Ludi!” (Can you do a dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance!)
Gotta love the Can Can.

Quote:
“Yeah, you’re right. It’s wasn’t all for nothing,” Wes said, managing a small smile. “How… weird was that though? We battled some crazy guy with a giant Pokeball-themed afro with a Ludicolo fetish, and halfway through it we were forced to dance during the battle! And the Ludicolo did the Can-can and had maracas, for crying out loud! It’s almost like some bored guy with nothing better to do came up with this crazy battle…” he said as he and Rui walked into the separate room.
Or a creative bored guy did that battle. XD

The battle and Nascour’s reaction are win, enough said.


Chapter 12
Quote:
“Espeon. Espi...” (Yeah... like graffiti walls with maths slogans, or terrorise abandoned shopping trolleys. Totally radical...) Espeon drawled.
Quote:
Ein double checked the last few lines of the problem before adding in the final line. He made sure that he had not committed any silly mistakes – it had cost him dearly in one test when he had gone to school. One little mistake had been the difference between full marks – and as a result he had finished second. This was in some insignificant test, yes, but it was the only one he had not come out on top. Instead, he came second to some girl who, albeit having an admittedly good grasp of maths, had an annoying obsession with clothes and vintage cars. How she raved on and on about them that day, as he sat staring in disbelief at his test paper. He had made a fatal mistake – he had forgotten to add the one to his final equation.
Lisa references! XD

Have to say, nice selection of songs you put in that chapter. I so can imagine “All You Need is Love” being the torture song though if one is to hear it many times. XD;
Quite a few things going on with the characters there. I like how you took the time to give the readers a look of what’s going on in Wes, Mirror B, and Ein’s thoughts.

One minor thing is it seem Sherles forgot what he was about to say to the gang before those interviewers and Duking came.

Quote:
“Really?’ That’s rather interesting… so it sounds as if it is possible to purify them,” Wes said.

“But if they were able to make it impossible to purify them...” Rui added, shivering at the thought.

“Indeed. It’s quite a fair bit of mixed news here, although I think-” Sherles began, before being cut off by the sound of the door opening and a reporter barging in.

“On reporting business,” the man explained, waving his microphone at the group, and before Sherles could respond, he had waltzed into the prison – currently full with the people they had arrested – and waved the microphone at a prisoner’s face.
After the reporters and Duking…
Quote:
Duking smiled, and knelt down and petted Plusle. “That’s right; I love you too,” he said, as Wes stared. He’s right – he doesn’t understand Plusle that well... he thought, having a sneaking suspicion Plusle had been talking about other things.

“Rui,” Sherles said, “out of curiosity; what did bring you to Pyrite town again in the first place?”
First he was talking about those Ein files and then after the interviewers, he ask about where Rui came to Pyrite Town in the first place, changing the subject.


Chapter 13
Quote:
“Hey, get off my lawn!” someone shouted from a house nearby loudly. People started to move away, before realising that they hadn’t been on the man’s lawn.

“Hey! You! Get off my lawn! Why, if my name isn’t Duncan, I’ll...” he continued ranting.

Why is he shouting if there’s nobody on his- oh, Wes thought, realising that the man was shouting at his letterbox.
You’re right that Duncan is crazy enough to be sent to Agate Village. Oh, one fun fact. You’re not the only one that portrayed him as an old man. Draco Malfroy did the same with his fic too, but I forgot the name of it. ;

Quote:
“Plusle!”(Hey, that’s my food, fatty!) Plusle suddenly shouted at Eagun’s Pikachu, who having already finished her meal had come to sniff Plusle’s potatoes.

“Pikachu,” (But I’m still hungry,) Pikachu moaned.

“Croc!” (Then get some more from elsewhere, you silly, fat thing,) Croconaw sniffed.

“Pika!” (Stop calling me fat!) Pikachu cried, picking up one of Plusle’s potatoes and throwing it at Croconaw clumsily, only for it to hit another Pokemon nearby, who grunted and returned it back at Pikachu with interest.
Now I’m feeling sorry for that Pikachu. ;_; *hugs Pikachu*

I enjoyed this chapter a lot. Have to agree that the financial reports are getting a bit repetitive now (and I’m studying financial economics as my concentration ). I like the other ads too, especially the tacos one. XD

Have to say also, those people at Agate are crazy. However, Ash isn’t that bad of a person.

Only thing is I think you went a bit too long on Skof’s story. I know you want to emphasis how his story is all nonsense, but I think you could have ended that part sooner so that you can get the plot of this chapter go faster.

Now, to sum it all up...
Overall, lots of funny parts in this story and I enjoyed it a lot. Again, haven’t played the game, but read most of the walkthrough and your explanation and you did well dealing the plotholes in the game. There’s actually this one other Serebii that also talked about the plotholes and mechanics of the Pokemon games, but in a more dramatic way while yours you did it in comedic fashion (and good at it too *thumbs up* ).

Also, lots of great characters, even if many of them are from the game. Wanna say my favorite noncomedic character is Sherles, cause he actually want to get this Cipher/Snagem case over with . As for comedic, have to say Tom cause of his druken slurs XD. Also, my favorite Pokemon character is Esperon, because he always like to mess around with people’s minds. And of course, Miror B wins.

Guess the only overall criticism I would say is Misdreavus should have more screentime. I love Croncraw and Makuhita, but we weren’t able to get to know much of Misdreavus’ personality.

Nothing much to say but great work here and keep it up!
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