Thread: [Pokémon] Spring's Revenge
View Single Post
Old March 29th, 2009 (10:31 AM).
delongbi's Avatar
delongbi delongbi is offline
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Possibly in a tree
Nature: Quirky
Posts: 161
Hehe, sorry; I fell asleep reading this. Not that it was boring, I was just really tired.

Anyway, I hate to blabber about grammar errors, but...

meeting that lied ahead of him.
I believe it should be "lay" instead of "lied."

wanted to have her around him more, too, yet she, especially she should know that the job he had was very important.
This is an error I saw a lot- the run-on sentance. There should be a period or semi-colon after "too" and before "yet." You often use "yet" as a joining word like "and," "or," and "but" even though "yet" is not truely a joining word. "Yet" made this sentance a run-on.

There were not only a bunch of four talented idiots who lived off his renting and noble donations depending on it, but the whole land of Indigo, with its thousands of people and thousands of stacks of office papers.
Maybe I'm not reading this sentance right, but something does not make sense to me. I think it's the "bunch of four" that is messing me up.

For a seemingly endless moment, she stared at Lance with her pale, grey eyes and innocent, silent smile, then she walked over to his chair, grabbed his collar and lifted him up, unhindered because Lance had never thought of needing his bodyguards with another champion in the same room.
Run-on. Period after smile.

She knew his work took up a lot of time, yet she had hoped, maybe dumbly hoped that he would at least greet her and tell her what his absence had been about.
There should be a comma after "hoped" and you did the yet/run-on combo again.

She hadn’t moved at all since the beginning of the battle, only keeping on staring down.
Keeping should be kept.

There were a few other times you used the yet/ run-on combo, but I didn't bother putting them all here.

Anyway, on to my more thoughtful comments.

Overall, this was, once again, a very good chapter. The battle was well described, as were Sabrina's emotions.

Right now, the plot is a little confusing, but I think it is supposed to be. This chapter opened many questions. For instance, I'm curious to see why Sabrina has the Eevee egg (I think) and why Cynthia wants her to have the egg. I also can't wait to find out what Lucian is so worried about and what Koga is going to do about his daughter.

Hehe, Cynthia's a real player... lol.

Will smiled nervously, yet dared to place a kiss on her cheek, causing Janine to laugh even louder and blush.
I was about to murder Will at this moment. Sabrina should have, actually.

I felt so bad for Sabrina! With the way Will has been acting, I'm glad she dumped him, but it really stinks for her.

Ahh! Can't wait for the next chapter! Your story is great!
Pair - Fan Fic - Banner Credit

Click here to see a map of Acceber!