Thread: [Pokémon] Mentor (PG-14)
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Old April 4th, 2009, 07:00 PM
delongbi's Avatar
delongbi
I C U
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Possibly in a tree
Nature: Quirky
You know how it goes, grammar errors first.

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Or, that was what Leah kept telling herself.
This sentence flows better without the comma.

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She couldn’t see, she could hear (not that it would’ve helped anyways) and she couldn’t even run anymore, though that one was more her fault then the rain’s.
I think you meant couldn't hear, not could hear. Also, then should be than.

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Oh, what she would do to get out of the weather?
When you read this sentance, it does not sound like it is a question. I think the '?' should be a period...

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Uh oh, if she bored enough to play games with a Pokemon, then she was in trouble.
If she was bored enough

Anyway, this was a great (but creepy) chapter. Even though you freaked me out several times, I enjoyed the thrill. You'd probably be a great horror writer (but if this turns into a horror fic, I'm leaving... I can't deal with too much creepy)- You're a little too good at it, lol.

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It was completely dried up and looked like it had been like that for a long time.
Yeah, and that's where I would leave.

When Sands went missing, I was reminded of I am legend...

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Sands opened its eyes into slits, but closed them again, uninterested in its trainer.
I'm seeing some similarities between trainer and Pokemon...

Nice chapter! Can't wait for more!
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