Thread: [Pokémon] Mentor (PG-14)
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Old April 4th, 2009 (7:00 PM).
delongbi's Avatar
delongbi delongbi is offline
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Possibly in a tree
Nature: Quirky
Posts: 161
You know how it goes, grammar errors first.

Or, that was what Leah kept telling herself.
This sentence flows better without the comma.

She couldn’t see, she could hear (not that it would’ve helped anyways) and she couldn’t even run anymore, though that one was more her fault then the rain’s.
I think you meant couldn't hear, not could hear. Also, then should be than.

Oh, what she would do to get out of the weather?
When you read this sentance, it does not sound like it is a question. I think the '?' should be a period...

Uh oh, if she bored enough to play games with a Pokemon, then she was in trouble.
If she was bored enough

Anyway, this was a great (but creepy) chapter. Even though you freaked me out several times, I enjoyed the thrill. You'd probably be a great horror writer (but if this turns into a horror fic, I'm leaving... I can't deal with too much creepy)- You're a little too good at it, lol.

It was completely dried up and looked like it had been like that for a long time.
Yeah, and that's where I would leave.

When Sands went missing, I was reminded of I am legend...

Sands opened its eyes into slits, but closed them again, uninterested in its trainer.
I'm seeing some similarities between trainer and Pokemon...

Nice chapter! Can't wait for more!
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