Thread: [Pokémon] Mentor (PG-14)
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Old April 10th, 2009, 08:28 PM
delongbi's Avatar
delongbi
I C U
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Possibly in a tree
Nature: Quirky
This was a pretty good chapter- it was interesting, as least. There were a lot of grammar errors though. I highly recommend checking over your work another time before you submit it. I also agree with Neiko; sometimes your sentences are a bit wordy. Writing a paragraph and then rereading it could help. Anyway- grammar...

Quote:
She sighed, her anger vanishing until she just felt tired.
The comma should technically be a ;

Quote:
The window, as if sensing her misplaced hope, cheerfully showed the rain coming down harder then ever and it silently promised that the rain wouldn’t stop any time soon.
When making a comparison, than is used; not then.

Quote:
Slowly and hopefully quiet, she went to
Should be quietly.

Quote:
The room was so dark, she couldn’t see inside.
The comma is unneeded. "So" almost never needs a comma.

Quote:
If no one did, then no heard it and then there was no one there.
No one. Also, this sentence is awkward.

Quote:
When she got upright, A sharp pain made its way up her body from her leg when she put some pressure on it.
a, not A

Quote:
. It was a bit brighter then she thought
THAN!!!

I didn't love this chapter, but it was not particularly bad. I think it was necessary.

Anyway, I'm still reading! Keep up the good writing!
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