Pokérus Mk. III [One shot] [PG17]
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April 17th, 2009 (12:29 AM).
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: behind that truck
My my... so this is the Zombie story
we've heard about in the Lounge
Very nice. You instantly get a friendly hug from be for it being a
Now, to say something more constructive, one has to read the work. Which I did. I can't comment much on the grammar because I'm not that great yet, but I did find some rarities, like this:
This left the other man very anxious as he was now the only one left in the lab. He looked at the various Ratatas in their respective cages, they seemed viciously angry, as though they wanted to pick a fight,
fight to the death.
The combination of these two words in that particular spot, seems a bit awkwards to me. Why a "but" if it's an extension of the previous idea? They want a fight,
they want it to the death. Or mabe it's just me...
There are other rarities like that in the second half of the chapter, but I think other, more experienced reviewers can point out those that are actual mistakes better than me (and, therefore, better for you).
Also theres the mention of Nidorana: I guess you meant
What I would like to comment is the plot and the general idea.
I liked the concept a lot as soon as I read in the Lounge that there was to be a Zombie Pokémon fic. Zombie subgenre, for all the "B-movie" feeling horror genre seems to have drawn upon, is quite cool to my eyes. I feel Italians, in particular, did it pretty good. But one thing that was absent most of the time was the
of the threat: how the infection, or the killing began. And your work has it first-sentence, in a rather karmic way (it begins with Team Rocket, it ends with Team Rocket). It's good to see that this point got attention and that was brought to full-circle in the last part of the exposition -- with Psychic Pokémon, no less.
Now, an infection that spreads by contact, apparently by targeting blood (as mentioned in the scene with Pikachu), that overrules (or strengthens, I'm not sure yet) basic instincts, sounds to me like a
applied to Pokémon. It was quite a surprise to have it spread this way
in humans. I was expecting something different, maybe along the lines of unnatural sacrifice made at a Pokémon graveyard.
Of course, you get another
from me by having got rid of Ash's Pikachu. At last! -- and the fact that you didn't have the character go all rant and mop the ground with tears on the scene is another added bonus. It just happened, all ready, next scene please. And Ash did it himself. I hooraed at that scene.
I liked very much how the battle at the Sinnoh border was featured because present an actual turning point, you pull two or three lines of hope in the battle and then you end it up pinpointing the fact -- and not the how, that one single bite turns the tide. Maybe it was not very well fought strategically, I mean, there's only mention of Electric-type Pokémon, but I woud have put a line or two of Ground-type Pokémon to deter the advance of the Water Pokémon that manage to get thru and then have Grass-types take care of them. As for the Flying invaders, there's not much to do if what you face is an orc-flock, if you saw "
" you can get the idea.
Before that scene, what we see is one or two Trainers (Gym Leaders and all, but still one or two) fall to the infection and join to the ranks of infected Pokémon, but that scene in Sinnoh was like, maybe, actual large-scale defeat and turnover without the need to establish more than the fact that "the region is doomed".
Oh, and Mewtwo's
apparently Senseless Sacrifice
was enjoyable. It made me remember th animé special. Also enjoyable (and replayable, in my head) was the part about the Unown not having teeth, or mouths for that matter. I found these two scenes to incorporate some very definite aspects of the zombie
: a demonstration of the futilety of all-hands approach, and a tidbit of comedy or a ligh-hearted perception of "the monsters" thrown at unique points in to the fray.
Other nice nods to the genre were beginning the "hero"'s (ash) scene with a Female Screech of Fear (mom's), and James stating the obvious at the end.
The cuts from scene to scene seemed a bit rushed, in particular the ones that cue to Giratina, but all the other ones seem to be fine, at least, I did not feel any of the scenes had to be extended upon (sans the Sinnoh one).
Beyond that, I just wanted to ask: where are
in all this? (I mean, plot-wise) The closest we saw is Gengar, who is Ghost/Poison. Also i would like to see how does the infection play out with some of the legendaries' abilities -- I mean, if Ho-oh gets infected, and assuming the infection lets them preserve a tidbit of intelligence, all that he will do is
revive zombified creatures, essentially acting as a cure, to
more yummy, delicious flesh, right? Under that light infected Jirachi would be fun-scary to see, too. Or am I going too ahead?
Overall, a nicely introduced work. I hope it turns out to be much more than those zombie stories at FF dot net. In particular, because you've shown the intention to play not only the actual zombie plot card, but also the
, with details such as those mentioned above.
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