Thread: [Pokémon] Spring's Revenge
View Single Post
  #37    
Old April 27th, 2009 (06:31 PM).
delongbi's Avatar
delongbi delongbi is offline
I C U
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Possibly in a tree
Nature: Quirky
Posts: 159
I honestly can't believe I just read this, but I'm glad I did. Nice chapter! My nit-picky grammar stuff is mixed with my other comments today... so here we go.

First off, I love the chapter name. =)

Quote:
“I wish I could believe you, Will, yet what you’ve done speaks against you.”
Mixing up "will" and "but" again. You did it a couple of other times, but I gave up copying them all here. In general, there were fewer of these mix-ups than the last chapter.

Quote:
It wouldn’t help her anything to pity herself.
Pick either "her" or "anything." Using them both sounds awkward.

Quote:
Yet she couldn’t care less, as after all, she had to show the world how great she felt, how lucky she was, how good everything had turned out. She had the cutest boy in the whole of Indigo in her hands, and no one, absolutely no one, was ever going to take him away from her now. May her friends think now that she was egoistical, keeping Will all for herself, when the original plan had only been getting his mind off Sabrina, and then starting yet another competition for his heart, but who cared? Not her, not her.
Yet she couldn’t care less; she had to show the world how great she felt, how lucky she was, how good everything had turned out. She had the cutest boy in the whole of Indigo in her hands, and no one, absolutely no one, was ever going to take him away from her now. Her friends might think now that she was egoistical, keeping Will all for herself, when the original plan had only been getting his mind off Sabrina, and then starting yet another competition for his heart, but who cared? Not her, not her.

Changes bolded. That second last sentance is also a run-on. I would break it up somewhere.

Quote:
What I can’t forgive, though, is that you deliberately broke up a young, until now very happy couple
Yeah, Koga!!!

Quote:
But it was a friendly laugh, not meant to make his daughter feel ashamed, even though it was debatable if she didn’t deserve that.
1. Delete the "But." It's usually not good to start sentances with words like "but" "and" "or", though there are a few exceptions...

2. "meant to make his daughter feel ashamed, though it was debatable whether or not she deserved that" I would change it to something like this to make it less awkward sounding.


Sabrina is an awesome drunk, lol!!!

Quote:
His poor table was already split because of that weird woman with long hair.
Was Cynthia here?!?! Who else has long hair?

Oh, Sabrina does...

Well, you got me excited for a moment...

Cynthia winking. Wow. I agree; I think that was the best part.

Overall, great chapter! I almost cried when Sabrina got back with Will; it was so cute. Now I have to go do work I've been procrastinating... bleh....
__________________
Pair - Fan Fic - Banner Credit





Click here to see a map of Acceber!