Thread: [Pokémon] Spring's Revenge
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Old July 6th, 2009 (09:53 PM).
delongbi's Avatar
delongbi delongbi is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Possibly in a tree
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Posts: 159
I was sooo excited to see a new chapter! Yay!

Quote:
No, I have not forgotten about the fic. *I* haven't. *cough*
You'd better not!!! Do you know how long we have been waiting for a new chapter?! Well, I guess you do because you're the one writing... Anyway, I love this story; you cannot forget about it!

Quote:
Sabrina relaxed, feeling much better now that she was outside with her headache being gone, and, most importantly of course, together with Will again.
Awkward sentence. I would change it to something like: Sabrina relaxed, feeling much better now that she was outside. Her headache was finally gone, but most importantly, she was together with Will again.

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And just as she had promised mere hours before, she would never read his mind to find out.
Avoid starting sentences with "and." It is unnecessary- just start with "Just..."

Quote:
“Of course not. Do you think I cared about the newspaper when I was drunk?” she smiled, actually not mad at Will, yet teasing him.
The "she" in "she smiled" should begin with a capital "S."

You are overusing "yet" again- way too many examples to bother putting here.

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distaste
0_0 Is that a word?

Nya... I think I'm going to stop with grammar issues. It gets too annoying to keep posting down here when I want to read!!!

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Will nodded, and yet he was sure there was someone who could...someone he strongly suspected to be an unfair player then.
Cynthia!

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“There is no known psychic stronger than me...there were some in the past, hundreds of years ago...but not in the present.”
That is just asking to be proved wrong.

Quote:
Sabrina nodded. “In theory. But not in reality. There are no dark psychics.”
See above comment.

Great chapter- well, except for some awkward grammar. I love the mystery you've created! Ahh! I can't wait for the next chapter!!!

By the way, is Will's last name Bender?
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