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July 9th, 2009 (01:33 PM).
#1 Yancy fan
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Doctor Drakken's lair
March, slow and unstoppable. March, sibling left and right, brethren short behind.
Follow the waves that make our home, brand the shoals with our mark.
Emerge to the land of wind and sun, gaze at them and listen to our mother behind.
Meet the enemy, let them meet us. Let's stain the sands with scales together.
Lower not your sight, always louder cry,
for over the land of trees, wheat and sun
the wall of waves and froth we shall expand.
This, I like. You've clearly shown the determination of the speaker, and you use vivid imagery to get the point across. Your line about 'Let's
stain the sands with scales
together.' confuses me. I don't imagine scales being very . . . staining? I've seen this expression used before, with 'blood' instead of 'scales', and I'm just wondering whether it feels quite right.
The walls extend to an incredible height, where
strange ring holding several small suns provides
You missed a word there, I think. I like your description in 'Touch', and from the hints in the opening, I get the feeling it's a Lileep, or perhaps a Cradily?
And with “most of the time” I mean it's usually just me. Or
This last sentence is a little off. The tone is a bit too colloquial, compared to the rest of the passage, and it's kind of jarring. The 'And with' bit is a little awkward, but I think the one thing that kills this sentence is the word 'it's'. You've contracted it, but throughout the rest of the passage, you use 'I am', 'it is' etc. Overall, I like how you give us the impression that the narrator is in a foreign environment that it is just beginning to settle into. I'm reviewing this as I go along, so bear with me if I'm wrong.
eyes, not the marks everyone else mistakenly believe to be.
This sentence is confusing. I get what you're trying to say, but it doesn't quite get it across. I recommend rewording that sentence, although it might be just that it's 8:30 in the morning. I'm becoming more and more convinced that this is a Cradily, by the way.
I think of it as a very rich, weird and busy uncle. Emphasis on
Again, you're lapsing into colloquialism somewhat. If this is a fossil Pokemon, would it have a) the notion of an uncle or b) the word 'weird' in its vocabulary? Not sure, but I can't say yet, because I don't know what it is, although my guess is getting more likely by the second.
tissue a bit similar
that of my tentacles.
Just another missed word, here.
like if they could be easily swayed by the wind was it not because of their big trunk,
This sentence is a bit doo-dah as well. Try this
they could be easily swayed by the wind was it not
their big trunk,
...Hey, I'm not making this up! Go ask any one of the others, I dare you.
This will be the last time I mention colloquialism. You're telling the story in a nice, thoughtful, ruminent voice until these kind of things pop up and kill it. I suggest just looking over it again to find these sorts of things.
But given that most of the time they won't cover themselves entirely
I guess the hide-switching ability may be ineffective against others of their species, or may hinder their senses.
Comma. I think.
about human predatory habits I haven't managed to understand, since I've never seen them during hunting or a similar activity.
Just a little question confusion.
with the idea for such a creature was probably having a field day in seaweed land, if you know what I mean
I like this line, but you missed a word.
probably asking me how
return to my water chamber.
Again, question confusion. If it's an indirect (ie not spoken) question, don't use terms like 'how did' or 'why didn't'.
I'm interested to see how you handle the battle, seeing as Cradily (*crosses fingers*) doesn't seem to understand human language. Hmm.
Your flashback is good, but it's
colloquial. I know I said I wasn't going to mention it, but . . . there's not much else to comment on, except to say that you communicated the feeling of apprehension rather well.
I wondered, most probably it was me.
This sentence isn't quite right. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something's off.
Go me! Sort of. I kind of went with Cradily because I didn't remember Lileep having neck tentacles as well as head tentacles, but I haven't seen one for years, so meh.
I knew I could just
Just word confusion, not much to comment on here, except the fact that I like the whole philosophical thing you've got going on.
With just a small motion of my trunk I could hurl that energy at the intruder in the form of a bright
, just as if I had spat at them. The only problem is that charging this energy took too much time and left me very tired afterwards.
Yay, Energy Ball! I like your description of how the move is formed and used. That's not often explored.
So we get the idea that Lileep knows Acid, Energy Ball, Constrict, and Confuse Ray. I like how you brought that up, but perhaps all the italicising was unnecessary.
There were no human
where the rocks had a particularly
I'm not sure what you meant here, but I'm pretty sure this isn't it.
I just have to say I
your dream sequence. It's very vivid and . . . believable. And this whole 'Great Keeper' and 'Horrible Beast of the Grounds' (does it need that 's'? It sounds like the grounds of a property.) business reeks of Kyogre and Groudon.
and some others who were very
liking your pre-battle sequence. You use words with positive and negative connotations for Kyogre and Groudon, respectively, which leaves me no doubt that Lileep believes he/she/it/cookie is firmly in the right.
Today, only one side shall dine well.
Oh, I love this quote.
maybe touch me
one couple of times
, and talk of things that I simply ignore
Maybe 'once or twice' would better fit than the bolded text?
just...won't... stop... talking
I was sure this long, serpentine creature of blue and white rough and large scales and a massive mouth was powerful and important in the ranks of the sea
This needs splitting. If not a period, at least a comma or two. I can't tell where, but it's a bit of a runon nonetheless. I also like how you allude to the war, which gives me the distinct impression that it actually happened.
The other Pokémon introduced herself as Gyarados and she told me my name was Lileep. I did not like the idea that she (or maybe the human) had chosen my name instead of me, but given that I did not know how was I supposed to be named, with my parents nowhere to be seen, I decided to take the name.
Didn't the Trainer already name him/her/it/cookie Lileep in an earlier part?
When I asked
her about my parents
That 'to' is unnecessary.
and that my kind was somewhere called "museum", which, if I understand correctly, is essentially
nowhere to be found
, so human decided to somehow bring one “back” and it turned out to be me
This makes it sound like they couldn't find the museum, so they decided to bring one back and it turned into a Lileep. Maybe a little rephrasing is in order here.
parent's job to teach their offspring about the Pact.”
I like this Gyarados and her unflappable superiority complex. =D
and thinking what
most of these words such as Pact or Trainer
while she taught
Your biggest problem seems to be indirect questions. I can't help you too much rules-wise, but I can show you what they should be.
Its overall frame was similar to that of the humans: that is
a trunk sustained by two legs
Comma. I'm afraid I can't work out what this Pokemon is from it's description.
“This... is... MY ISLAND!”
Oh good, I thought it was Sparta. XD
“See? It says Vigoroth! Not
OK, it's a Vigoroth. I was thinking Zangoose for some reason . . . and lol at 'lump-thing'.
I then realised that this land-dweller was attacking me just like the ones in my dream, and that I had to answer, to show dominance... to claim this piece of land as
I could swear the pain was so intense that it pushed me towards a very beautiful lake surrounded by mist that appeared out of nowhere in my mind. The mist covered a small creature floating above the lake who was dancing
it had an eerily big head covered in a yellow or golden hide and two tails with small red protuberances at the tips. She was dancing in joy, luring me in...
Uxie whut? And that should probably be a semicolon, and I don't think you need the comma after 'hide'. Or maybe you do. I'm no expert.
What was that suction attack, by the way? Was it Constrict, something else, or just improvisation on Lileep's part?
if you feel like talking about--”
Comma, I think. And I had to lol.
And you'll explain
me later: what was that about kissing him?"
Again, question confusion. My recommendation is in the quote, but there are numerous things that could be done with that.
If I wanted to find answers I needed the help of other Pokémon, one who would actually know me beforehand and who would not answer my questions by asking questions back. But where was I to find such an individual?
Because you're talking about a single entity, you might want to make that '
Anyway, overall I found this story excellent. A few mistakes, but nothing majorly painful. The best part would have to be your use of the five senses, and I suggest you improve on your indirect questions. I now see that the colloquialism was designed to come into play as Lileep slowly becomes more and more familiar with its environment, am I right? Anyway, excellent job, and I'll be back for the continuation!
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