Okay, here’s my review for your fic.
The prologue starts off okay, explaining things excellently. At first, John seems a bit cocky, but throughout the story, his personality improves.
It sounded silly, after all, how could you bond with an egg?
I’m not sure, but I think the comma after ‘silly’ should be a ;
Houndour, my friend, Houndour.
There are other mistakes, but I don’t want to make this review a ‘bash Manaphyman’ fest. Overall, the chapter was well written. I liked the scene where John visits the grave of his grandfather.
I wasn’t overly keen on the beginning of this one. It seemed filler-ish. But it improved after he left the Ice Cave and met his friends. I’ve been thinking about the second half of this chapter for a while and I wondered if John and his friends would ever give nicknames to their starters, not just the other Pokémon they have in their teams? (It’s just a suggestion; you don’t have to take it if you don’t wanna). Oh, and Deoxys’ attack was pretty cool.
More news on Deoxys? Wheeeeee! Yeah, anyway… *looks sheepish*… (Sorry, am hyper this morning…). It saddened me to read of John’s female Eevee crying like that.
When I read of your rewrites/revamps on the other place, and saw this with your comment afterwards of “alliteration (ftw!)” I laughed. And the veiled, mysterious appearance of Lorelei was awesome, too.
I guess the only part in this one I really liked was when Lorelei made them into Chosen and said that they had to get the swords.
Lindsay caught a Chatot? Cool. Wingull Vs Charmeleon? At first, one would think Charmeleon would win due to his experience level. But Wingull kicked his fiery foe into submission fairly quickly and easily, too. And Eevee Vs Eevee? Even better when John’s female Eevee won.
John and Lindsay sitting in a tree...
Lorelei caught Moltres with a Master Ball… that must mean that she is gonna catch Articuno and Zapdos with Master Balls as well. And when all three of them are caught, she’s going to try and secure Deoxys again, isn’t she?
Edit: Yep, this version of Chapter 7 was much better. I liked how Flare said he'd followed John for one and a half hours. Stalking much?