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Old July 10th, 2009 (04:10 AM). Edited July 11th, 2009 by Manaphyman.
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Manaphyman Manaphyman is offline
Sevii Trainer
Team Kalos
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Connecticut, USA
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Posts: 36
Quote originally posted by Kanto Lover:
Okay, here’s my review for your fic.

The prologue starts off okay, explaining things excellently. At first, John seems a bit cocky, but throughout the story, his personality improves.

Chapter 1

It sounded silly, after all, how could you bond with an egg?

I’m not sure, but I think the comma after ‘silly’ should be a ;



Houndour, my friend, Houndour.

There are other mistakes, but I don’t want to make this review a ‘bash Manaphyman’ fest. Overall, the chapter was well written. I liked the scene where John visits the grave of his grandfather.
John was very cocky in the prologue, and he is somewhat early in the fic as well. Yet he progresses as a character, and eventually overcomes this.

(My bad with the Houndour thing)

Quote originally posted by Kanto Lover:
Chapter 2

I wasn’t overly keen on the beginning of this one. It seemed filler-ish. But it improved after he left the Ice Cave and met his friends. I’ve been thinking about the second half of this chapter for a while and I wondered if John and his friends would ever give nicknames to their starters, not just the other Pokémon they have in their teams? (It’s just a suggestion; you don’t have to take it if you don’t wanna). Oh, and Deoxys’ attack was pretty cool.
Yeah, quite fillerish, but I had to throw something in there as I waited for the egg to hatch. John's friends will be giving nicknames to their starters and the other Pokemon on their teams, and John will do the same. (39 and 40 :])

Quote originally posted by Kanto Lover:
Chapter 3

More news on Deoxys? Wheeeeee! Yeah, anyway… *looks sheepish*… (Sorry, am hyper this morning…). It saddened me to read of John’s female Eevee crying like that.



When I read of your rewrites/revamps on the other place, and saw this with your comment afterwards of “alliteration (ftw!)” I laughed. And the veiled, mysterious appearance of Lorelei was awesome, too.
I enjoyed the Deoxys attack too, and I believe I said "awww," when I wrote about Eevee crying.

Glad you noticed the alliteration thing, and of course, Lorelei. ;]

Quote originally posted by Kanto Lover:
Chapter 4

I guess the only part in this one I really liked was when Lorelei made them into Chosen and said that they had to get the swords.
Yep. The way it happened in the old chapter was absolutely horrific, so I'm glad I rewrote this.

Quote originally posted by Kanto Lover:
Chapter 5

Lindsay caught a Chatot? Cool. Wingull Vs Charmeleon? At first, one would think Charmeleon would win due to his experience level. But Wingull kicked his fiery foe into submission fairly quickly and easily, too. And Eevee Vs Eevee? Even better when John’s female Eevee won.

John and Lindsay sitting in a tree...
I'm glad you liked the captures! I justify Wingull vs. Charmeleon by Scott's lack of battling skills and his inability to handle such a powerful Pokemon early on. I think...

Yay for female Eevees!

Quote originally posted by Kanto Lover:
Chapter 6

Lorelei caught Moltres with a Master Ball… that must mean that she is gonna catch Articuno and Zapdos with Master Balls as well. And when all three of them are caught, she’s going to try and secure Deoxys again, isn’t she?
Yeah, she is. You wont see those captures though, rather feel those reprucussions throughout the Sevii Islands. And no climax spoilers!

Quote originally posted by Kanto Lover:
Chapter 7

Edit: Yep, this version of Chapter 7 was much better. I liked how Flare said he'd followed John for one and a half hours. Stalking much?
Yep...stalkerish. He had good intentions though, seeing the boy frantically running for that same amount of time. Glad you liked it and thanks for the review!
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