Apocalyptic Dawn [M]
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July 23rd, 2009 (9:42 PM).
I C U
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Possibly in a tree
I liked the beginning a lot, but I do have a few suggestions.
1. Spell check. I think you typed "foetal" at one point instead of fetal, and there were a few others...
2. I really like most of your description. However, to make the story more interesting, try blending the description in with the action. For instance:
Instead of writing: The girl had long, black hair and was wearing a banana-colored dress. She rushed forward to save the puppy.
Write: A girl with long, black hair rushed forward to save the puppy, despite the banana-colored dress hindering her stride.
That was kind of an extreme example, but hopefully you get the idea...
3. I found the following a bit strange:
At the same time, he wondered what had been going on in his aide’s head before he had had to repeat himself. But for now, the next Pokémon League season was rapidly approaching and that meant he would have to devote time to drafting up trainer cards.
That evening, the sunset cast long shadows over the town of Pallet. As Charles Ryder Harris, blonde-haired husband of Fiona, sat in his wheelchair on the back patio he reflected on how one incident changed his life forever.
All he had been doing was watching the Dratini evolve into Dragonair in the Fuchsia City Safari Zone. He believed he should’ve kept his eye on the Rhydon herd as well, because all of a sudden there was an explosion. They panicked and started stampeding in his direction. Even to this day he knew he should have gotten out of their way then, but he was still entranced with the evolving Dratini colony and he failed to realize that the herd’s speed was deceptive. Because of that, he misjudged his escape time. They loomed ever closer; he tried to get out of their way, but it was too late. The herd steam-rolled over him and that’s how he ended up the way he is today.
I think you change focuses (or maybe point of views, in a way) a bit randomly. The end bit about why the Charles is in a wheelchair seems out of place to me.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed this writing. Keep up the good work!
to see a map of Acceber!
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