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Old July 28th, 2009 (4:51 AM).
ShinjisLover ShinjisLover is offline
Crystal Tier
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,043
If one was to step down the stairs of the Viridian Pokémon Mart’s off limits area without knowing what was held down below, all they would see to their horror was a row of narrow tubes lined up against all four sides of the large underground area.
There should be a set of commas in the bold after 'see' and after 'horror'. If you read it as is, it sounds like you don't take a breath.

As I've said about a million times, this is not a good way to make a transition from one scene to another.

The Professor was old, and the aide young, but Oak still insisted that he was young-spirited.
I don't really see the point to this sentence.

Grammar-wise, you fixed many of the mistakes I've pointed out before (which is why it was so difficult to pick out the mistakes). I gotta wonder how there was a colony of Dratini, though.
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