Apocalyptic Dawn [M]
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July 28th, 2009 (4:51 AM).
If one was to step down the stairs of the Viridian Pokémon Mart’s off limits area without knowing what was held down below, all they would see
to their horror was
a row of narrow tubes lined up against all four sides of the large underground area.
There should be a set of commas in the bold after 'see' and after 'horror'. If you read it as is, it sounds like you don't take a breath.
As I've said about a million times, this is not a good way to make a transition from one scene to another.
The Professor was old, and the aide young, but Oak still insisted that he was young-spirited.
I don't really see the point to this sentence.
Grammar-wise, you fixed many of the mistakes I've pointed out before (which is why it was so difficult to pick out the mistakes). I gotta wonder how there was a colony of Dratini, though.
Joined Dec 2008
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