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Old August 22nd, 2009, 02:39 PM
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Haz
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia- Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!, Oi, Oi, Oi!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cнαяcнιc View Post
Corrections and comments in bold red.
Prologue

The night was silent, and the shining stars twinkled brightly over the cold dark planet, not a single person could be seen wandering through the lonely streets, nor could a single Pokémon be seen flying across or racing through. Houses stood tall but all seemed empty, not a single light glowing through a clear glass window, nobody would dare switch on a light, nobody would dare draw attention their home, not in these dark times. Not as the world stood still, frozen in a grip of fear. The only thing that people could do now was pray. Pray that somebody could save them, pray that one of the neighbouring regions would come to their aid and light up the dark world once more, restore the peace and harmony that for a short while filled the world, the sense of tranquillity that the world had grew to love, the sense of tranquillity that only occurred while Giovanni, Archie and Cyrus, leaders of the three most fierce gangs, seemed to vanish from existence, the sense of tranquillity that was quickly shattered when the three leaders returned. To regain control of their gangs and begin: Project Victory.

As the city continued to tremble silently in the cold, empty night, a creature watched, far away, from a nearby hill, standing tall in the pure light from the pearl moon [That sould be just moon], it took one step forward, and the clanking of chains could be heard behind it, as the creature continued to travel towards the chilling city. It wore a dark cloak with a black hood, and lifted the hood over its head, sighing, as its three fingers on each hand gripped the thin material and pulled it over its feline shaped head. But even with the black cloak, which was used to disguise the unique appearance, nothing could hide the long purple tail which dragged along the grassy floor behind it. The creature turned around, startled, focusing its sharp, cold eyes, on what seemed to be a faint pink glow which hovered above the bright green grass.

The weak light which began to grow stronger and brighter, soon began to form into a strange shape. The first creature smirked slightly, and lowered its hood from its head. The blinding bright light did not seem to hurt his unique curved eyes. And once the second creature had formed fully, the bright light began to fade around it, and a creature with pale pink skin, similar to that of the first, was left behind, floating effortlessly in the silent starlit night. It had bright blue eyes, more friendly than that of the first, and had a long pink tail, and the body which resembled a mouse, except it floated above its two legs, similar to how a human would stand.

The first creature bowed its head in respect, and began to speak in a cold chilling voice which seemed to echo through the mind of the creature which was being spoken too. Its mouth did not move as it spoke but it waved its hands in a fashion which looked to be like witch craft. This seemed to allow it speak, however the creature was, in fact, telepathic.

The first creature turned to the city and stood tall, “Finally, you have arrived. I have spent far too long watching these empty streets, unable to intervene. Stood here, hiding in the darkness of this lifeless hill, because I dare not approach those who hold the world in a grip of fear.”

The second creature leaned forward and flew towards the first, before spinning in a circle; it was childlike and had a much less intimidating presence to it, “Do not blame yourself, my brother.” The second creature said, in a soothing feminine voice, “With the power of Project Victory, you could not risk your life, trying to help the city below. Imagine if they captured you? Then what would happen? They would freeze your heart with the power of their machinery and make you become their slave, and with you, one of the most powerful beings to live, a slave to them.” It said sighing, “Well, the prophecy would no longer be able to be fulfilled, and all hope would be lost for this world.”

The first creature nodded, “You are right, my sister. But still, I fear that it is now far too late to save this world now. Everything ends, eventually. It may take billions of years, it may take seconds, but in the end, everything ends, it is fate, it is destiny... And although we may be able to postpone it, I fear it will still seek us out. I fear that this year, will be the year that the world we know and love, will come to an end and perish in sheer fury of fire and ice.”
Okay, there are some parts that were confusing but they were fixable. Your only problem is the incredibly long sentences. Commas shouldn't be used so many times. Don't forget your friend the full-spot. You had no spelling mistakes, just the comma issue.

This might seem like a short review but there wasn't much to review really. You seem to be a fairly good writer but perhaps getting a Beta Reader at The Beta Place will help.
Hope that helps you :)
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