Pokémon - Project Victory
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August 25th, 2009 (10:38 AM). Edited August 25th, 2009 by Giratina ♀.
what's your sign?
Join Date: Apr 2008
Okay. First thing I noticed: this story isn't in the best font format possible. The text itself is too small and cramped to be read easily, and if I remember correctly you're only supposed to use Verdana, Tahoma, or the default font. Some people break this rule, of course, so it's more like a guideline to help your readers out in the squinting department.
Let's get cracking!
Quote originally posted by
Prologue (My comments in
The night was silent, and the shining stars twinkled brightly over the cold dark planet
ot a single person could be seen wandering through the lonely streets, nor could a single Pokémon be seen flying across or racing through.
Okay. First off, props on using the accent on Pokémon. Secondly, though, this is a run-on sentence. A run-on sentence is a sentence that lists many things, seperated only by commas. It sort of sounds like an extremely bored person rattling off their shopping list. Normally, sentences shouldn't have more than one comma in them - two on occasion.
Houses stood tall but all seemed empty
. There was
not a single light glowing through a clear glass window
obody would dare switch on a light
nobody would dare draw attention their home, not in these dark times.
Mini-lesson on the semicolon ( ; ) The semicolon can be used to replace a period and capital letter, but should be used very sparingly.
in the times where
the world stood still, frozen in a grip of fear. The only thing that people could do now was pray. Pray that somebody could save them, pray that one of the neighbouring regions would come to their aid and light up the dark world once more
Pray that they would
restore the peace and harmony that for a short while filled the world, the sense of
that the world had grew to love, the sense of tranquillity that only occurred while Giovanni, Archie and Cyrus, leaders of the three most fierce gangs, seemed to vanish from existence
. That they would return
the sense of
that was quickly shattered when the three leaders returned. To regain control of their gangs and begin Project Victory.
There was no need for the colon here.
As the city continued to tremble silently in the cold, empty night, a creature
watched from a nearby hill
, standing tall in the pure light from the
pearly moon. There was no need to put 'far away', as you already said it was on a nearby hill. 'Pearl' is not an adjective, and since you didn't refer to out moon as 'Luna' then it doesn't need to be capitalized. The sentence can also end here.
t took one step forward, and the clanking of chains could be heard
behind it as
the creature continued to travel towards the chilling city
a dark cloak with a black hood
lifted the hood over its head, sighing, as its three fingers on each hand gripped the thin material and pulled it over its feline head
. ('Feline-shaped' wasn't necessary, as 'feline' could also stand as an adjective all by itself.) E
ven with the black cloak, which was used to disguise the unique appearance, nothing could hide the long purple tail which dragged along the grassy floor behind it
t turned around, startled
its sharp, cold
what seemed to be a faint pink glow which hovered above the bright green grass.
Basically, there was no way the sentence could make sense if you didn't edit it slightly.
to grow stronger and brighter, soon
to form into a strange shape
he first creature smirked slightly, and lowered its hood from its head
the blinding bright light did not seem to hurt his unique curved eyes
nce the second creature formed fully, the bright light began to fade around it, and a creature with pale pink
to that of the
. It was
floating effortlessly in the silent starlit night
had bright blue eyes, more friendly than that of the first, and had a long pink tail
body resembled a mouse, except it floated above its two legs, similar to how a human would stand.
Overusage of 'and', as well as bored-person-rattling-off-shopping-list syndrome.
The first creature bowed its head in respect, and began to speak in a cold chilling voice which seemed to echo through the mind of the creature which was being spoken
to. Wrong form of 'to'.
ts mouth did not move as it spoke but it waved its hands in a fashion which looked to be like
witchcraft. 'Witchcraft' is one legitimate word. T
his seemed to allow it speak
owever the creature was
in fact, telepathic.
A comma should be added there because 'in fact' is extra information, and should be flanked on both sides by commas.
It turned to the city and stood tall
“Finally, you have arrived. I have spent far too long watching these empty streets, unable to intervene.
Far too long I have s
tood here, hiding in the darkness of this lifeless
I dare not approach those who hold the world in a grip of fear.”
Once again, wording as well as grammar needed to be edited slightly to make sense.
The second creature leaned forward and flew towards the first, before spinning in a circle; it was childlike and had a much less intimidating presence to it
. There can be a period/full stop here because it is a complete sentence on its own.
“Do not blame yourself, my brother
he second creature
. If dialogue is ended with a period and followed by a 'he said', 'she said' or whatever, the period should be a comma because the sentence is not done.
“With the power of Project Victory, you could not risk your
to help the city below. Imagine if they captured you
! Not a question.
Then what would happen? They would freeze your heart with the power of their machinery and make you become their slave
they would have one of the most powerful beings alive
a slave to them
t said sighing
“Well, the prophecy would no longer be able to be fulfilled, and all hope would be lost for this world.”
The first creature nodded
“You are right, my sister. But still, I fear that it is now far too late to save this
world. You said 'now' twice.
. It may take billions of years, it may take seconds, but in the end, everything ends
t is fate, it is destiny
nd although we may be able to postpone it, I fear it will still seek us out. I fear that this
be the year that the world we know and
come to an end and perish in sheer fury of fire and ice.”
View original post
I'd bet Mewtwo and Mew are speaking, am I right?
Okay, to the actual review. You seem to have the general mechanisms of correct grammar down, but you've got a real problem with run-on sentences and commas in general. For example, if the character is hesitating in his actual speech, you would use an ellipsis (...) instead of a comma because a comma represents hesitation outside of dialogue. Go do some Internet research on proper usage of commas, and go find a Beta-reader like Haz suggested.
And now onto the actual plot. First thoughts: NO. If the plot is what it's being suggested to be - 'three evil teams buddying up to make one super-team' - then I swear I am going to slam my head on the keyboard right now.
The teams have no reason to team up with the others because they all have different goals!
I don't know how many times I've had to say this...
wants to take over the world.
wants to flood the world.
wants to blow up the universe.
Granted, you've removed Team Magma because their and Team Aqua's goals directly oppose each other. But how do you think the three teams here would find a good reason to help each other out? They're all after different things that have nothing to do with the others - and would probably directly contradict them. For example, Team Rocket would not want to take over a world that's been flooded by Team Aqua. Team Galactic would see all of the others' plans as futile because they're just going to erase it all anyway. Unless two of the leaders have a new goal in mind that links up with the third's, and they're all
make perfect sense
, then somehow I doubt this is going to work out in a logical direction.
I don't really feel like reviewing Chapter One right now, sorry. However, the Legendaries actually choosing the Chosen Ones - as uncomfortable as the whole Chosen concept seems - is a nice change from the usual 'Mysterious oracle-maker has chosen you all~ FWEE' deal that some others have going on. There isn't many problems with it, save for the last paragraph:
My family, from Celestic Town have been murdered...Cyrus personally went to the town looking for me. He found my family and interrogated them; they all knew that I was in travelling the world, but they kept quiet, refusing to speak, one by one he killed them all, hoping the next would speak when one was killed.
I'm sorry, but I seem to recall Cyrus thinking we've all screwed up the world so badly with our emotions and foolishness and
. What reason has he to be killing people left and right? And seeing as this takes place in the future he'd be more likely to be thinking something along the lines of,
'Alright, fine. You've all rejected your savior; it's your loss. Go ahead and drown in the world you've polluted.'
Don't forget: you're working with canon characters here! Their personalities can't be tweaked and altered to fit your storyline; if anything, it should be the other way around. I can see Giovanni doing this, but not Cyrus.
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