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Old August 27th, 2009 (1:10 AM).
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Citrinin Citrinin is offline


Crystal Tier
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Posts: 2,779
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Sorry this review was a bit later than intended - in all honesty, I forgot. ^_^; But it seems you're getting quite a lot of attention anyway - good things come to those who ask, it seems. ;D

Quote originally posted by Cнαяcнιc:
The night was silent, and the shining stars twinkled brightly over the cold dark planet, not a single person could be seen wandering through the lonely streets, nor could a single Pokémon be seen flying across or racing through. Houses stood tall but all seemed empty, not a single light glowing through a clear glass window, nobody would dare switch on a light, nobody would dare draw attention their home, not in these dark times.
Both of these sentences seem (borderline) run-on. While there's technically nothing wrong with them (that I can see), the fact that you put these two sentences together seems overly wordy. It's my personal opinion that they should be split into three or four sentences.

Quote originally posted by Cнαяcнιc:
Pray that somebody could save them, pray that one of the neighbouring regions would come to their aid and light up the dark world once more, restore the peace and harmony that for a short while filled the world, the sense of tranquillity that the world had grew to love, the sense of tranquillity that only occurred while Giovanni, Archie and Cyrus, leaders of the three most fierce gangs, seemed to vanish from existence, the sense of tranquillity that was quickly shattered when the three leaders returned.
Now this is way too long. You need to split it up into several sentences. Also, "tranquillity" should be "tranquility". The fact that it's this long causes people to skim over, as it's too frustrating to read the sentence, which means they lose out on valuable content.

Quote originally posted by Cнαяcнιc:
As the city continued to tremble silently in the cold, empty night, a creature watched, far away, from a nearby hill, standing tall in the pure light from the pearl Moon, it took one step forward, and the clanking of chains could be heard behind it, as the creature continued to travel towards the chilling city, it wore a dark cloak with a black hood, and lifted the hood over its head, sighing, as its three fingers on each hand gripped the thin material and pulled it over its feline shaped head, even with the black cloak, which was used to disguise the unique appearance, nothing could hide the long purple tail which dragged along the grassy floor behind it, it turned around, startled, focusing its sharp, cold eyes, on what seemed to be a faint pink glow which hovered above the bright green grass.
See above.

Quote originally posted by Cнαяcнιc:
The weak light which began to grow stronger and brighter, soon began to form into a strange shape, the first creature smirked slightly, and lowered its hood from its head, the blinding bright light did not seem to hurt his unique curved eyes, once the second creature formed fully, the bright light began to fade around it, and a creature with pale pink skin, similar to that of the first, was left behind, floating effortlessly in the silent starlit night, it had bright blue eyes, more friendly than that of the first, and had a long pink tail, and the body which resembled a mouse, except it floated above its two legs, similar to how a human would stand.
And again, I'm afraid. The sentence is far too long.

Ultimately, I think your descriptive skills are quite good, and you build up a dark atmosphere well, but the entire piece is hampered by the fact that you need to split up your sentences. Sometimes long sentences work, but you need to give the readers a break with some shorter sentences. :P This problem was also evident in your previous fic, and is something you need to work on.

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