Sorry this review was a bit later than intended - in all honesty, I forgot. ^_^; But it seems you're getting quite a lot of attention anyway - good things come to those who ask, it seems. ;D
Ultimately, I think your descriptive skills are quite good, and you build up a dark atmosphere well, but the entire piece is hampered by the fact that you need to split up your sentences. Sometimes long sentences work, but you need to give the readers a break with some shorter sentences. :P This problem was also evident in your previous fic, and is something you need to work on.