View Single Post
Old September 5th, 2009 (5:53 AM).
Redstar's Avatar
Redstar Redstar is offline
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: California
Posts: 786
Send a message via AIM to Redstar Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to Redstar
I applaud you. Never have I ever read a work done in first-person so well. Not only that, but at times you seem to seamlessly slip into second-person to express the Pidgeot's thoughts of its trainer. You've succeeded at the two most difficult character perspectives to undertake.

As per your request I wont comment on the technical side of your writing, and will only base my review on opinion. (Which isn't hard to skip over, considering the only mistake I found was pointed out by Bay already)

As I said above, your use of perspective was brilliantly-done. My only suggestion is for the first sentence to have specified that the speech was by the Pidgeot's trainer, like "yelled my master." This would have established that the perspective is both first-person and that the trainer isn't the character. Otherwise we're left with nearly an entire paragraph before either becomes especially obvious.

I really enjoyed the battle. It's how I wish I had done mine and I can see it as a strong-suit in your fic-writing. The way you casually slipped in that Pidgeot received his next command via Gameboy was also good. There's a dozen ways that could have been told rather than shown.

When I first skimmed the story and I saw all the single lines separated by scenes I was put off. Luckily what those lines contained more than made up for it. The ending was heart-wrenching.

This is a favorite. I'm honoured to have been out-placed by you.