Once in a Forest Fire (oneshot)
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September 19th, 2009 (08:24 PM).
Not a Baygel
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
Curious, can you remember the theme you were thinking of entering for the 7k?
I have to say, interesting story you have here. So a scientist’s mind suddenly gets switched to another person’s for a short period of time? I was confused at first which Rodney is which, but then later on with that scene I was able to tell which is which.
; Also, nice you have what happened with Rodney’s legs inspired him to actually help people and advance technology.
There’s one thing I want to point out. Why the baltoy switched the two men’s minds? I assume it must be the baltoy feeling threaten, though. I might have to reread this one shot to understand this, though. XD
Next thing is even though I didn’t expect the two Rodneys minds to be switched, I kinda have the suspicion that Rodney is the professor mentioned in the flashback. Pretty much the flashback ruined that plot twist. Maybe if you put the flashback after Rodney finds out he has been in another person’s mind or something.
Another thing I want to point out. I don’t usually do this since I’m that that great with grammar, but there have been a few grammar and spelling errors I was able to find:
Rodney decided that it would be a good place to start looking for the person he was looking for, because it had
less flames raging about it than the actual forest.
This, of course, scared the fearow, who pulled up to get to safety and dropped Rodney from
back while doing so.
“It’s” is a contraction of “it is.” “Its” used to indicate possession, like “He use its power, full force.”
was slowly spinning around, so Rodney could see it had eyes as well.
Forgot to capitalize the i in “It.”
Overall, I like this piece a lot, but you could have done better with the foreshadowing to leave the plot twist more suspenseful and surprising. Good luck on your other writing projects!
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