Thread: [Pokémon] Convergent Paths
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Old October 2nd, 2009 (12:57 AM).
Elite Overlord LeSabre™'s Avatar
Elite Overlord LeSabre™ Elite Overlord LeSabre™ is online now
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Shimoda City
Age: 89
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Well, this could turn out to be quite interesting. The fact that your protagonists are all girls initially caught my interest, and with them being from different backgrounds and with different aspirations, I think I'll enjoy seeing how you weave their trials and tribulations together in one story.

One thing I will note about your description of the girls... it doesn't flow and seems tacked on.
A similar scene was happening further down, this time with a girl with honey-colored, shoulder-length hair and bright blue eyes. She wore a frilly two-piece bathing suit that she herself had picked out and clutched a pink towel to her chest. “Mother, I really would like to swim.”
Try making it flow better with the action and what they're doing, like this example of DOOM XD:
A similar scene was happening further down with another girl. Twirling her honey-colored, shoulder-length hair between her fingers, she glanced down at her frilly two-piece bathing suit as she clutched a pink towel to her chest. Looking up at the woman next to her with bright blue eyes, she said, “Mother, I really would like to swim.”

It's just a little change, but it helps greatly with the overall flow of the story.

Anyway, it's hard nowadays for anyone to convince me to read a new fic, but there was a certain something that drew me to yours, and I look forward to the next chapter

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