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Old December 5th, 2009 (12:59 AM).
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DrFuji DrFuji is offline
Helfen, Wehren, Heilen
Crystal Tier
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Downia-upside
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 1,322
Originally Posted by SkyBlue
Xelion has been terrorized by a group called Night Followers who believe that the world has gone too far to be saved, and so, they are stealing Pokemon so they can go to another planet and watch as the one they left behind gets destroyed by the apocalypse.
So the 'Night Followers' are doomsday believers, eh? What sort of doomsday are we talking about - Will it be it man-made, ecological, titanic clash of legendaries or none of the above?

Right now, I'm seeing this group in the same light as Team Galactic - They are a fanatical cult and are litterally searching for a better world in which to live. While they may not be fanatics in your eyes (They could be super-intelligent cyborgs who have made an educated decsion based on an accurate observation over several years, gone over all of the data and possibilities to save the highest feasible number of people possible for all I know), what I'm going to write is all based in the idea that they are psychotic fanatics.

However, they get astounded by your battling abilities with your starter (either a Pikachu, Pachirisu or Elekid).
I have a problem with these starters that you have proposed. They all have completely different evolution lines, or at starting points that do not corespond to each other. Elekid is technically a 'Baby' Pokemon, while Pikachu is a 'Basic' Pokemon - You need to have them be on the same page, by either starting out with a Pichu in stead of Pikachu, or Electabuzz instead of Elekid.

Pachirisu, on the doesn't evolve at all, whilst the Pikachu/Electabuzz families can both progress to a third and final form (That's if you're planning to include Electiver - If not, you have even more problems :/) so they will not be balanced evolution-wise.

Finally, I personally have a problem with a trio of all Electric-starters. The freedom to choose your starter's type generally allows for multiple playthroughs and the ability to balance your team differently each time. Right now, all I can see is a choice between: good speed, good attack and good at being useless :/

tl;dr, you really need to clean up your starter trio.

One of the NF Gym Leaders, Dorio, realizes that he went the wrong way, and helps you battle the Elite Four in the Xelion League.
If the Night Followers really believe in the Apocalyse being nigh, then why would someone suddenly reject the docterine at the last moment and strive to stop people who are just going to blast off into space and never be heard of again? It seems like a deathbed confession/ repentance, and right now I'm not to keen on it (Have a look at one of my lower points for elaboration).

He tells you that the only way to save M is to battle him and lose.

You have to decide. When you win the battle without meaning to, he starts choking M with Constrict, but is suddenly stopped when Dorio's Electivire bursts in and faints his Medicham, freeing M.
lol wut? XD

He can just tell you to hand over your Pokemon to his growing collection, otherwise he would strangle your partner - That seems like the smart thing to do :/

With honor, Surger bows down to the new champion of Xelion, YOU, the prophesied one, as Nightmare is taken away, kicking and screaming.
Once again, deathbed repentance? :P

What ever happenned to the fear of an Appocalyse? Just because you beat the leader of the Night Followers/ Suger, it doesn't mean that suddenly the Apocalyse won't take place - At least in the Night Follower's minds. You were prophecised to 'beat the evil in Xelion', not to 'narrowly avert the Apocalyse'. While the group would certainly weakened beyond all recognisible doubt, their aim of escaping the Earth should be as clear and urgent as ever. They seem to be fanatics, you cannot stop them from believing that they will die unless they are able to escape from Earth.

All the other anti-NF Gym Leaders applaud his/her decision, and elect Surger as the new Beautisweet Gym Leader.
Why? He tried to kill steal Pokemon. Surely he should be locked up or reprimanded, rather than being rewarded. What's going to happen to the other Gym Leaders who supported the Night Followers?

I feel like the Night Followers could have a grander plan, as right now they fit within the 'psychotic team' mold, but... They seem to be lacking something... I'm not exactly sure what that 'something' is, but they I feel that they don't have a 'spark'.

I have an issue with the sudden turn around of NPCs, but I'm sure you've picked that up by now :P

Sorry about the massive amounts of text, its just how I roll - I wish you luck with your storyline and subsequent hack. XD