The Retelling of Pokémon Colosseum
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January 4th, 2010 (4:01 PM).
Not a Baygel
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
“Umbre... eon?” (Hey, we didn’t get the, err, um, whole description-err, analysing business done yet...wait, what you say?) Umbreon lamented dizzily, before leaping back at Metang, only for his opponent to fly back out of harm’s way.
*snickers* I already said how I’m a Business Administration major concentrating in finanical economics, right? *gets shot for being too prideful* IfUmbreon needs help eith business analysis, I’m the gal!
“Meta. Met. Ang. Ta. Ang. Ang. Ta: Ang.” (Bullet Punch missed. Umbreon used Tackle. Metang lost 0.001% of its health. Umbreon lost 3% of its health in recoil damage. Does not compute. Recalculating. Verdict: Umbreon is stupid.) Metang continued.
Best analysis evar. XD
“Metanganganganganganganganganganganga...” (Umbreon used Secret Power. It’s super effective! Does not compute. Secret Power is not of a super effective type. Circuits failing. The server is down, try again later. Error 404 page not found. Re-calibrating gerbils. The cake is...aaaaaaaa...) Metang stammered quickly, before it suddenly fell to the ground, its red eyes fading out.
*kills PC’s lag and mentions of cake being a lie*
“Marshtomp marsh!” (But I herd you liek Marshtomp!) it wailed as he tried to swat at them with his flipper-like arms, but missed as the two collided with him. Rui cheered as she and Wes watched his Pokémon dominate Marshtomp with ease, the two ramming the light-blue Pokémon again and again.
“Espeon!” (Nobody likes you or your pre-evolution!) Espeon jeered, charging in once more. Desperate, Marshtomp thrashed his body violently, hitting both Espeon and Umbreon away a short distance more by luck than skill, the two falling over in surprise.
Aw, I like their pre-evolution forms. :<
”Esp Esp Esp-” (Bugger bugger bugger) Espeon stammered, hurriedly throwing up a wall of light around himself and Umbreon. Golem however flew through Umbreon’s Reflect and found itself right above Umbreon. Realising the opportunity, it grinned.
Isn’t it supposed to be Espeon’s Reflect? Also, if I remember correctly, Umbreon hadn’t used Reflect in this story yet.
“Are you crazy, Dakim?” Wes shouted. “Sure, you made Umbreon faint, but I wouldn’t say this place is such a great place for explosions.”
“Place” twice in this sentence sounds repetitive. Maybe get rid of the first “place” to make the sentence sound less awkward and flow better.
Wes sighed, before he paused. “Wait, a Shadow Pokémon... well, Cipher are really scaring the hell out of me, but here goes!” he yelled, suddenly throwing a Snag Ball at Entei. Entei merely smirked however, and fired another ball of flames at it which disintegrated the Snag Ball into ash, which somehow fell in such a way the particles spelt out the word ‘Fail’ on the ground. Entei then chased after Espeon, who hastily started running away.
Well, this is what you get trying to get an Entei! You fail at being a Pokemon trainer. D:
Favorite parts and quick suggestions aside, this is a great battle scene you did there. I really love some interent references you thrown there, my favorites I already quoted. I also have to say cool Rain Dance is being shown and not just to power up water attacks and lower the power of fire attacks. Yay for slip ups!
You know, the nurse scene reminds me of Saffire Persian’s one shot “The Ties That Bind.” In it, the Chansey/Blissey (forgot which
; ) used Egg Bomb too. XD
There is one thing I want to mention, though, and it's the way you did the thoughts of the characters. I know you’re trying to have the readers get into the characters’ heads, which is a good thing, but if you go to their perspective too long, it’ll sound too much like a first person POV and you’re doing a third person POV. For instance, these two:
He doesn’t remember the names of his Pokémon? And the best until last...that may be his Shadow Pokémon, if he has any. But for now...
Wes mused, looking at Dakim’s Pokémon begin to materialise.
The one made out of rock... that’s a Golem. I’ve beaten its pre-evolutions before... Looks like a large boulder with stubby arms and legs. Hmm, good defences, but those limbs? Not much speed or reach, surely. And that other one must be a Metang... never saw that one before. It’s a robotic Pokémon, so it’s a Steel type... and also Psychic type as well? I think. And those arms-
What the hell happened? I got punched, lost consciousness, and then when I woke up, everyone was shouting, so I tried to get away... then platform ten flew off somehow... and now I’m hanging on for dear life,
Vander mused, as he dangled from the broken walkway between platform nine and where platform ten used to be, holding on with his two hands. He wasn’t slipping away – he had a decent hold, but it was hardly a fun position to be in and his arms were beginning to get somewhat sore.
I have the strangest feeling I’ve been forgotten... this is not my day. I’m confused as heck, but all I know is that I’m very sore, and the sun will set in a few hours.
Again, the way you did the thoughts here is a bit long winded. It may be true in real life we think like that, but considering you’re doing this story in thrid person POV, you don’t want to have the thoughts be in first person POV for a long time. One way you can overcome this if you're going to have the characters be thinking for a long time is have their thoughts both in first person POV, but in a couple of sentences here and there, and third person POV rest of the way. To show you what I mean, an example from my fic:
Back inside the police station, Lucas was close to the water cooler. He sighed and shook his head, his mind thinking about the man that almost shot him. It was still shocking to him that the old man would do that. At least electricity scared him, or so Lucas assumed. One thing troubled him, though. The image of that man flashed before his very eyes.
Could that man be Jacob Alexison?
Maybe Timmy was right. Lucas began putting the pieces together. A couple days ago Jacob was not home and he instantly got a call of an incident dealing with Bunny, Jenny, and an unidentified man. Another call then came that dealt with the girls and that accomplice at Solaceon Town.
Not one hundred percent sure why Bunny needs another accomplice. She has a Psychic Pokémon with her!
Lucas felt his heart skip a beat. He began thinking about how Jacob and his Xatu, a dual Psychic-Flying type, went down and then pink light emitted—
—just like back at Canalave City.
It made sense, Professor Alexison being Bunny’s former mentor and all. So he might have been an accomplice since the beginning. Conclusions like that could lead to chaos in a case, so he sighed. He knew that the answer would have to wait.
Basically, you got the thoughts of the characters are logical, but it's the way you presented them that bothered me. Reason I brought this up is LeSabre actually mentioned the way I did the thoughts of the characters too.
Overall I enjoyed this chapter a lot and you did well on the comedy again. The thoughts you should work a bit though to make the story more third person POV, though. Keep up the great work!
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