Thread: [Pokémon] Caught In The Moment [PG-13]
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Old April 7th, 2010, 11:54 AM
Yusshin's Avatar
Yusshin
♪ Yggdrasil ♪
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Quebec, Canada
Age: 21
Nature: Brave
Semi-colons can be havoc, I know lol A lot of people don't know how to use them and try to anyway just to look fancy (not pointing fingers; stating a fact).

A good rule of thumb is if a sentence preceeds a phrase which commences with "however", you use a semi-colon before "however" instead of a period. The same applies to "therefore", "sometimes", etc.

If two phrases are similar and can be compared, a semi-colon is nice sometimes, as long as it isn't abused. For example:

The car is fast. I used that car to travel to Texas last week.

Can be rewritten as:

The car is fast; I used it to travel to Texas last week.

Because the content is comparable.

It's well-written, though. Nice job :] I'll try to see if I find any other mistakes. if you or someone else replies, I'll post'em in a new reply; if not, I'll edit this post.

Also, I personally feel that techniques should be capitalized, but not species or names, for the very same reasons you stated in the post prior.

[Edit]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silawen
Second later it could be heard snoring quietly.
"Second" should be written "Seconds"; an "s" was omitted.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silawen
It was a good thing, as it would be for any future pokémon trainer, that the young girl had such a wonderful role-model.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silawen
A role-model very much annoyed with his sister's constant badgering.
"Role-model" isn't a single word, but is actually a separate word - "role model".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silawen
“But, Derek!”
There shouldn't be a comma after "But".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silawen
The man turned towards her, arms crossed. “Don’t 'but' me, Amy; you will have to wait 'till Mum’s birthday.”
Contrary to popular belief, "'till" is not the short-form of "until". This word should read "til".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silawen
The young man sighed(;) mentally cursing his parent’s wish to have another baby ten years after they had conceived him.
Another semi-colon misuse; the sentence after that becomes a fragment, which is incorrect and incomplete.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silawen
He loved his baby sister, of course he did, but she was the epitome of little girls(;) annoying, whiny, and possessing the most innocent brown eyes he had ever seen.
Another misuse. A dash or a colon would be more appropriate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silawen
“See, Amy? Pokémon battles are not all about power, it’s also about strategy and defence
"it's" refers to "Pokemon battles" which is plural, thus this should actually read "they're".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silawen
“For instance I have taught this bellsprout to rely on his expert blocking skills
"For instance" should read "For instance,". A comma was omitted.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silawen
The rattata was cute, but its evolved form was so much more powerful and Amy could appreciate the dilemma.
I'm confused; Amy appreciates a dilemna / problem? Elaborate on this, or perhaps use a different verb.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silawen
“Either the bulbasaur or the squirtle(;) seeing as they are grass and water and therefore more effective against rock.”
Another semi-colon misuse which results in a fragment.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silawen
The same goes for your choices(;) cyndaquil, totodile and chikorita.
Another misuse resulting in a fragment. Perhaps a colon or a dash would be more appropriate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silawen
“Yes, that’s the thing I will miss most when travelling(;) your amazing cooking.”
Another misuse resulting in a fragment. A dash would be more appropriate here.


~

The story itself is detailed enough, but it still feels rushed. Spelling is particularly great; grammar is awesome except for the random semi-colon / comma issue.

:]
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Last edited by Yusshin; April 7th, 2010 at 01:26 PM.
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