Thread: [Pokémon] The Return Chapter One
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Old April 8th, 2010, 12:41 PM
Yusshin's Avatar
Yusshin
♪ Yggdrasil ♪
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Quebec, Canada
Age: 21
Nature: Brave
1) Change the font to black; some people have skins that would cause that font to hurt their eyes / become unreadable completely
2) Change the format; as Misheard Whisper mentioned, every line of speech, unless connected / related, requires a new paragraph to itself. Imagine writing a novel. Surely a novel wouldn't have all lines of speech clumped together!
3) Grammar issues. For example:

Quote:
Originally Posted by darkpokeball
"Sdsoplasma, we're moving." she told me.
This should read:

"Sdsoplasma, we're moving(,)" she told me.

I used parenthesis to show the change from period->comma.

You constantly make that error throughout the text; review it and change it, so it makes more sense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by darkpokeball
There he was, except: he was purple
The colon should be a comma.

The story itself goes very fast. You should take the time to describe places, people, and actions more carefully. Make it feel like it's alive, and not just.

Bob says, "Let's go to the movies."
Mandy says, "OK."
They go to the movies and have fun.

:s Not that exciting lol
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