Thread: [Pokémon] Shadows of Johto
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Old April 8th, 2010, 01:04 PM
Yusshin's Avatar
Yusshin
♪ Yggdrasil ♪
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Quebec, Canada
Age: 21
Nature: Brave
What I noticed in the prologue:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
This was no ordinary man. In fact, this man almost caused an apocalypse in the very region he is standing in now. His outfit consisted of a green and black coat, black pants and black shoes. The portion of his coat that was black had a small green 'A' patched into it. He was no ordinary man; he was the leader of a fallen organization known as Team Amazon.
Repetition. We already know he's not ordinary; there's no need to tell us twice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Ashley enough!
This should read "Ashley, enough!", for omitting the comma makes "Ashley" look like an adverb.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Just this time? Come on! The worst possible thing that could happen is that our operation will fail again(.)" chuckled the last member in the room.
I added an exclamation mark to the sentence, since it was missing punctuation. The second period should also be a lovely comma.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Shut up, Mike! You are not funny!" all of the members screamed in unison.
You were missing punctuation again; also, I can't imagine someone screaming "You are not". In anger or irritation, humans speed their speech up, making this sentence seem awkward. You should change it to "You're not" to make it more realistic.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Yes, but where would we find them? They are Legendary after all(.)" Ashley snorted.
Again, assuming that "snorted", which can be used as a speech-like verb, is directed at this sentence (if you wanted it just to be "Ashley snorted.", you would need to make a new paragraph for it), that period needs to be changed into a comma.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Luckily for us I already have Jirachi(.)" Andy replied.
See above.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"That will never fail to capture a Pokemon. It was specially made to capture Legendary Pokemon and steal their power. You will know that all the power has been drained when the pokeball turns black. It will not kill the Pokemon, however it will drain any powers that it has(.)" the Leader replied. "No off with you, and do not fail me!"
See above the above.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Very well, we will not fail you Master(.)" the Admins responded, quickly exiting the cave.
See above x3.

In Chapter One:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
The boy(,) was in fact a teenager.
Unnecessary comma.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"I do not believe this... it is impossible(.)" Elm said, still shocked.
Again, this period needs to be a comma.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Uh, hello Professor(.)" the now young adult said.
See above.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"It is a long story Professor, do you mind if I return to Blackthorn now? I am sure my mother is worried(.)" Nick asked, taking a couple steps toward the door.
See above.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
Someone must be looking for you because they left this behind(.)" Elm said, handing Nick a note.
You use the verb "said" a lot; in this sentence, why not spice it up by using "explained"?

Also, see above for period error.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Where else would I go, Team Amazon has a target on their back now and they had better hope that I won't find them(.)" Nick said in anger.
See above.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Where exactly are you... WAIT A SECOND! NICK, IS THAT YOU!?" the trainer asked.
I added a comma here, since it makes more sense that way. You could also use an exclamation mark.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"ERIK!?" Nick said in amazement.
He said that? I doubt it. Change it with a verb with more zeal. "Yelled", "cried", "yelped", "hollered", etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Oh, well good to have you back(.)" Erik muttered, shocked at the tattoo
Period=Comma error again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"According to Elm, it happen just over a week ago." Nick responded.
See above.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"I have to go now." Nick said, breaking into a run.
See above.

The battle scene lacks detail, too.

The plot in itself is simple and a bit over-used. I hope you've brainstormed this and come up with twists, turns, and an epic finish, or people will lose interest.
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