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Old May 16th, 2010, 12:54 PM
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Raikt
Fiction writer.
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Nature: Adamant
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cilerba View Post
-Storyline-

You wake up, after sleeping. Yesterday, was a memorable night.
Might as well start at the beginning, eh? The grammar used there is completely off and makes no sense. For me, at least, it was annoying to read when the rest was pretty well typed.

Quote:
You earned the eighth badge from the Johto Region, you hiked through Victory Road, and you defeated the Elite Four. Once you got home, you healed your Pokemon and set them on the table. Then, you went to sleep.
I get what you are trying to do; summarizing an entire journey in a single paragraph isn't easy. Still, it was severely anti-climactic.

Quote:
You wake up hours later, and notice that your Pokemon have gone missing. You run out the door and see two goons heading on a ship with two bags filled with Pokeballs. Still worried, you go back to sleep and prepare to deal with this problem in the morning.
You lost my interest here. Two goons just nabbed my Pokemon and I'm going back to sleep to deal with it in the morning? No offense, but if someone stole my Pokemon, I'd be chasing them down. Now, mind you, that may not have been what you meant. Did you mean to say, "You ran after them, but they boarded a ship and set sail; you continued to chase them down the shore line, but they were nothing more than a speck on the horizon by time the implications of what just happened really hit you."? That's a bit wordy, and I wouldn't recommend using that (I'm just shooting for clarification here), because that would make more sense.

Quote:
After a rough night, you wake up and tell your Mom what happened. She immediately sends you over to Professor Elm's Laboratory. He asks what happened, and you and your Mom inform him with every detail. He immediately knows who it was. He says that it was Team Rocket. After a moment of thinking, Professor Elm has an idea. He knows that Team Rocket's Secret Hideout is in the Sintec Region, since they moved it after their plan to take over the Radio Tower was unsuccessful. He decides to send you to the Sintec Region.
After the boat leaves Newbark Town, you are sleepy, so you fall asleep in your room...
That character seems pretty narcoleptic at this point... Joking aside, this isn't very interesting either. I suppose I can't judge on this portion without seeing the dialogue, but you honestly make it sound really boring.

Quote:
Later on, you hear banging on the door. You wake up and realize that you overslept, and you are already at the Sintec Region. You get off of the boat, and you see the same two goons that you saw the night before, running off with three bags now.
You step foot on land, and you get pushed. You turn around to see your rival standing behind you with a mischeivous grin on his/her face. He runs off after he sees the two rockets, and leaves you standing there. After that, you head off into the Sintec Region.
Will you stop Team Rocket from stealing everyone's Pokemon?
Again, you overslept? Not only that, but you see the exact same two goons running off with more bags of Pokemon? Do these goons serve a purpose here? Because honestly, unless they are plot specific or serve a purpose at this point, I can't see a use for them showing up randomly when you get off the boat.

And your rival? It's extremely odd for him to just show up now on the boat as you are getting off. The lack of back story, or introduction to him, makes him seem misplaced and forced into the storyline.

Take with a grain of salt, if you will, but you'll definitely need a more interesting story line if you want your game to stick out around here.
"All that has been lost shall be regained. You must simply find the path, then find the way." - Elder Gywain.