NikNaks' Fiction Fun
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May 31st, 2010 (9:13 PM).
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Is there a Treeland? If so, there.
I somewhat disagree. It's not that you lack variation of punctuation (thumb's up for proper use on semicolons!), but you tend to repeat the same sentence structure in a short amount of time.
At least it was. It's quiet now. Some say it's just asleep for a while. It'll wake up soon. But I doubt it.
Short, choppy sentences are nice because they deliver a quick snap (they're especially effective when you have regular, compound sentences), but when you stack choppy sentence after choppy sentence after choppy sentence, your flow starts to sounds monotonous. I don't think you're trying to deliver a punch in this segment (maybe that it's quiet...?), but if you are, it wasn't that powerful due to the sentence structure repetition.
With that said, if you could combine sentences into a longer sentence, or even expand on a sentence to get rid of the similar sentence structure pattern, it'll probably help get rid of the monotony. I like the strength behind the "But I doubt it line" but it's weaken by the same structure held by the "It'll wake up soon" line. Adding something small to that line ("It'll wake up soon") would help, even if it's just "Some say it'll wake up soon" (to connect to the line before).
God that was a long ramble on a small part. But maybe you can apply it to other sections where the flow/sentence structure seems monotonous or something. =P
I like your thread's idea in general. It's a nice way to work on your writing skills distinctly and separately. You seem to have a great handle on description. I also liked that there seemed to be a point to it and it just wasn't you babbling on about the setting of a city. It left me wondering what happened to the city and who the speaker is. The contrasts were nice, too.
The section where your speaker reflected on the suburbs was nicely written. I liked the comparison from its superior past to its present state with the various description of "green" objects. I really liked this line, too:
The only things that crunch now are bodies: fragile bones of a forgotten husband; a mother's delicate hand; a child's head.
It's creepy and hits hard.
I was a little confused near the end. While I did like the suburbs part, I wasn't sure if you were referring to the suburbs or jumping back to the city when you began this paragraph:
I should be depressed right now. I've probably just gone mad like you. To think that that shop there was a café once. Oh, they did wonderful cakes. Cream that just oozed out of sponge; jam that tasted as if it had been made of Eden's fruit; and the finest tea in the world. You could taste it streets away: mouth watered at the end of the road. It's a culinary marvel. And it's next door to the launderette, so you can always hear the whirring. Constantly churning Mrs Miggins' bloomers. Always turning.
I miss the noise. It excludes you and yet it envelops you. It's the sound of life. Of industry. Of normality. But it's just an echo now. Just an echo.
The last paragraph indicates that you're referring back to the city since you're reflecting back on the "noise" topic you used at the beginning of this section. I love that btw. =P But the second paragraph before that doesn't transition well from the suburb to the city.
... Not unless the first paragraph I quoted is referring to the suburb, and if you are, the last paragraph doesn't transition well from the suburb description to the city description.
I do like the description of the cafe you have here. It sounds yummy; it's a nice use of wording and language. But I didn't really understand why your narrator spent such a long time describing this ... or the suburbs for that matter. It's an awkward transition here, too. The speaker says he "should be depressed" like "you" but then he starts to ramble about a shop for seemingly no reason. I figure he's not depressed because he has fond memories of the city, but you might want to indicate why he doesn't feel depressed.
Besides, this line:
We're the ones who get to die slowly and painfully, dredging through filth. I'd rather have gone quickly. Like the rest of them. Not wandering around in this hell-hole.
makes your speaker sound depressed anyway. o_O
Long ass story short, you have a great handle on description and the mechanics of writing, but you might want to work on transitions so the reader knows what you're referring to when you start a new paragraph.
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