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June 1st, 2010, 12:48 AM
Mizan de la Plume Kuro
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Airstrip One, Oceania
I have to disagree.
Originally Posted by
you tend to repeat the same sentence structure in a short amount of time.
Short, choppy sentences are nice because they deliver a quick snap (they're especially effective when you have regular, compound sentences), but when you stack choppy sentence after choppy sentence after choppy sentence, your flow starts to sounds monotonous. I don't think you're trying to deliver a punch in this segment (maybe that it's quiet...?), but if you are, it wasn't that powerful due to the sentence structure repetition.
This is techincally a first person POV so this is from the mental narration of the protagonist. Short,choppy sentences do more than deliver a quick snap after a compound sentence, usually for humour or shock; they also help set the mood of the story and or help characterize the characters utilizing the wonders of sentence structure. In this case, it may subtly portray the character as insane. There usually are two basic ways you can pull off a mad, first person character: the first one involves long winded soliloquies that drift off into insanity --Macbeth anyone? (wasn't particularly mad rather than overconfident)-- and the second one is as the wrter has shown us. This is usually because clinical insanity usually entails the inability to think very clearly and with this you really can't create compound sentences and or long winded ones.
Long ass story short, you have a great handle on description and the mechanics of writing, but you might want to work on transitions so the reader knows what you're referring to when you start a new paragraph.
On transitions, see notes on portraying insanity (above).
Besides the above review, I have to say that I really liked your subtlety in portraying that he
I've probably just gone mad like you.
Direct reader adress is good. It makes you wonder if he's talking to yourself or whether or not this is actually a second person POV where you're a character in the story. All in all, nice job and keep at it.
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