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Old June 2nd, 2010 (8:49 AM).
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NikNaks NikNaks is offline
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: England
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 485
Wow, I really wasn't expecting such long and informative responses! I'll try to go through the key points, though. :D

I see exactly where you're coming from about sentence structure, and I do see what you mean, but, as Mizan says, I was going for a slightly mentally troubled character, but not entirely. Almost as if he's slowly breaking down. But, yes, I do agree that I overdid it in some places.

In that section you weren't sure about, Breezy, I was imagining the entire piece to be a monologue given by a man standing in the ruined city itself. It doesn't really get across very well, but hopefully you can now imagine him gesturing towards a particular building and speaking that passage. He's pretty downhearted, considering it's just a shell, so while his erratic thoughts give us a picture of the wonderful place he remembers, it's a whole lot worse now. If that makes sense.

Would it be worth making those few changes, or not? I don't want to stay stuck on one passage for long periods.

Speaking of which, I was sorting through a huge pile of junk and found a few starts of passages. Do any of these seem promising?

She's the one. I'm sure of it. I look into her eyes and see into her soul, and I know. She's the most wonderful woman I've ever known. Her long, chestnut hair bobs gently up and down as we walk together with my hand clasped in her soft palm. Her face radiates joy and warmth and her voice is light and lyrical like birdsong.

At least, that's how I imagine it. It's not the same for her with me. She looks at me, with my straggly brown hair and spotty face and knows she can do so much better.

My footsteps echoed sharply as I walked across the stony floor. The high hallway amplified the sound as I made my way briskly to the far end.

Have you ever dreamed you could fly? Have you ever been struck by a desire to reach up and pluck the stars from the night sky? It always fascinated me. Well, it was my aim. My heart’s desire. I had to do it. And one day, it happened. My feet went out from under me and I floated gently in the breeze. I remember being really calm at first, and it was so serene. But all of a sudden I realised I was flying and promptly fell back down with a thud. I looked around, and tried to will myself into the air. But nothing happened. Still, I’d done it. I’d really done it. I flew. For weeks and weeks I kept trying to take to the skies again, but it was useless. It didn’t work. But then, everything changed.

Also, I've added another passage to the OP that I wrote last year. It's a bit strange, and it's not my best, but I thought I should at least try to give something else to read after such excellent comments. I'm holding back another piece, as it's actually coursework, and I'm paranoid that I'll get a U for plagiarising myself if someone googles it. Yeah, I'm silly, but I'll wait anyway.