Thread: [Pokémon] Forest Fire
View Single Post
  #3    
Old June 28th, 2010, 01:55 PM
Citrinin's Avatar
Citrinin
Nephrotoxic.
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to Citrinin
OK, I'm probably a bit rusty with my reviews, so those with more recent experience, feel free to correct my corrections.

The first thing that I noticed off-the-bat is that it was short. Now, short is not inherently bad. Some great pieces can be written with a small wordcount. It is only bad if the shortness is the result of not conveying enough information. And, your piece does suffer from this, in my opinion.

The physical description is lacking. Take, for example,

Quote:
Treecko ran and hit Houndour in the face with his large tail.
I'm going to give you some of the most important advice handed to me in my first fanfic: show, don't tell. This is incredibly important. Saying to the reader what happened with the actions is not enough to evoke any kind of emotion. The reader reads through it as a session of going through the motions, rather than an excited flurry of attacks. You're not giving us any idea of what the visual impact looks like. Instead, you're giving us a description of the motion.

Obviously, in a battle, which this entire piece is about, the mechanical movements are not of interest. Rather, the visual effect it has is. Therefore, you need to focus on that in your writing.

Furthermore, you also lack in any kind of emotional description. For example, where Treecko spits out seeds in desperation? Take us into the mind of Treecko. Whether or not you give Pokémon human characteristics, it is going to have, at the very least, a powerful fight or flight response triggered. Show us that. Show us the fear. The desperation.

The ending was an interesting and unexpected twist. In contrast to the above reviewer, although I wasn't feeling most of your piece, the end did grab my attention. However, I did feel that the execution wasn't up to standard here in the same way it wasn't in the battle.

You have the opportunity for some really powerful, lasting imagery in your last two sentences:

Quote:
Treecko looked up and saw the moon for the last time. As he looked up the flames engulfed his whole body.
There is a nice contrast between the beauty of the moon and the viciousness of the flames. But, again, I didn't feel that through these sentences. I saw two simple descriptions, which, if elaborated on and made more deep, could have alone made this fic a piece of art.
__________________
~